My fellow Americans,
It has been a long, hard election. I know that it has been difficult for our conference lately - only two ranked teams, embarrasing non-conference losses for most of you, and arguably the two worst teams in the nation. We've walked a long road and these problems won't be solved overnight. But I assure you, America, that we're on the right track, and that when the Bowls come we will rise again.
I called California tonight to congratulate them on a hard-fought campaign. It was tough at times. We both said things we didn't necessarily mean. They were hard on us when we lost to Oregon State, and I countered by noting the lack of experience of their running mate, Oregon. I should let you know that Cal has served our country well and is a wonderful representative in second place.
Now - what does a USC administration mean for the Pac-10? I'll tell you what it means. Playing that same song, over and over again, even on the road? Yes we can. Occasionally overlooking opponents like the Beavers? Yes we can. Getting perennially overhyped on ESPN? Yes we can. Winning ball games? Yes we can. Having 283 All-American running backs on our team? Yes we can.
You see, we're not all bad. Remember when we stomped overrated Big-eleven foe Illinois in the Rose Bowl? I bet you felt good about that. We bring swagger to this conference. Snoop Dogg at our games, blowouts over inferior Washington schools, big wins over non-conference powers, silencing another overrated Ohio State team, and so much more.
And that's why you voted for us. We, the people of USC, bring the Pac-10 hope. Unless Oregon State runs the table. But hey, even then we'll bring you two BCS teams from our conference, because no major Bowl can resist the allure of our sweet, sweet money. Also our coach's hair.
Tip of the hat to The Helmet Project for the helmets you see here.
Building the Dam (OSU)
3. Oregon St.