Greetings from Beaver Nation, Cougs! Even with the recent 38-0 stomping the Trees gave us and the Civil War coming up, we have not forgotten our buddies to the north (that would be you.) And we are your friends, right? I mean, we have so much in common! We both have the lowest football budgets in the Pac-10. We both have in-state rivals who have way more money, prestige, and keep stealing all the glory. We've both laid eggs during far too many games this season.
So buddy, pal, friend, brother! I just need to ask you for a little favor: PLEASE beat the Huskies next weekend!
Right now the Hated Huskies are 5-6. They have one last chance to make it to a bowl game and save their season. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! Can you imagine hearing about Sarkisian's minions going to the Holiday Bowl? Because with all the empty bowl tie-ins this year, there's a big chance that's where they're headed if you neglect your duties to justice and let them win. Actually, forget hearing about them going there. Can you imagine WATCHING them go there?! Sure you can decide not to turn the TV on for that game, but I'm sure some of you have relatives you'll be visiting who might leave it on, and at the very least, think of all the promos and commercials hyping the 6-6 Purples. It's sickening. No one without DVR will be safe.
Excuse me while I get my barf-bag...
...All right, that's better.
Now you might be thinking, "But scotty! Why wouldn't you want the Fuskies to win and have the Pac-10 get another bowl-eligible team?" Filling more bowl spots will mean more money for everyone else in the conference, and it will also help ward off the ridicule from the other conferences for us only having three bowl-eligible teams. Do I really want to give all that up just to spite the Huskies? HELL YES!!!
You alone have the power to stop the travesty. You alone have the power to deal the purple W another big fat L and slug them with a losing season, just like everyone else has in this cannibalistic conference. Don't let them escape the carnage! Do you know how the Huskies did last year? 5-7 overall, 4-5 Pac-10. Do you know how they'll do this year when you win the Apple Cup? 5-7 overall, 4-5 Pac-10. The irony is delicious. This was supposed to be "their" year.
I know I'm asking a favor here, but hey, this isn't all about me. There are some special reasons why YOU should be all for sticking it to the Huskies, too (besides the obvious):
1) No longer would the Cougars be the laughingstock of major conference college football. You would finish the season 3-9 and transfer that title to the Vanderbilt Commodores, who finish 2-10, and Ole Miss (4-8 overall but 1-7 SEC and lost to Jacksonville Frickin' State... and Vanderbilt.)
2) If you lose, you will have exactly one conference win. We will be that only conference win. That just looks bad for both of us.
3) Do you remember how pumped Coach Wulff was after beating the Huskies last time? He was like a kid in a candy shop who won the lottery and found a cure for cancer with a lifetime supply of potato chips. He was jumping for joy like Tigger on LSD. So can you even fathom what he'll do if he has the best season in three years and knocks the Huskies out of a bowl? He might literally launch himself into orbit:
Wouldn't that be awesome? Satellite-Wulff! I bet we could get HBO on that thing. (Re-runs of "Cougars All-Access" at the very least.) And don't worry - according to my calculations, he will descend back into Martin Stadium on February 3, 2011. Plenty of time to shore up the new recruits!
4) A picture is worth a thousand words:
(That's the infamous "Jake Locker mom" picture, btw, in case the link goes funny. If someone replaces it with a giant phallus or something, please don't blame me.)
5) And speaking of Jake Locker, I admire his grit and coming back to help the team. However, passing up on a likely first-round NFL draft spot to lead a mediocre team through an injury-filled season is stupid. Good heart, but he made his little Husky bed, and now he has to lie in it, dog poop and all. By beating the doggies, you can discourage other QBs from making these ridiculous decisions in the future. You can feel good that you're doing a service to football today and beyond.
6) Huskies bowl celebration in Pullman if you lose. Need I say more?
If all that isn't enough motivation, I don't know what is. So again, Cougar Comrades, please do this for your Beaver Buddies. And for yourselves. I'll even forget about that little 10-yards out-of-bounds tackle on Quizz (no harm no foul, right?) We will be rooting for you, and may I raise a mug of apple cider in your honor!