FINAL FOUR PREVIEW: A conversation with Coach K and Huggie Bear

In a CougCenter exclusive, I was able to sit down with two legendary college coaches as they prepare for their national semifinal matchup tomorrow. Enjoy.

Wow. I can't tell you enough what an honor it is to have the chance to talk to a couple great basketball minds like yourselves.

The pleasure is all mine.

Well that's a bit of a pansy-ass answer Mike. Of course you are excited to meet with me Mr. Dancing Football, I am the best damn coach with the best damn team in the country. Also, what the hell kind of name is Dancing Football? Were your parents hippies or something? Gawd, I hate hippies.

That is his name on the site, Bob. Not his given name.

Well no crap,  Mike. I was just jokin'. Hey, Mr. Dancing whatever, you guys talk about beer sometimes, so where the hell is my beer?

Oh, I apologize. Here, try this. It's from the Northwest and it is delicious.

(Hands Huggie Bear a Rogue Dead Guy Ale)

Thank you kindly sir. That sure is a fancy label. I like that label. The skeleton makes it look real tough, like me. I can't believe someone from the Northwest would make such a badass label. You are all a bunch a hippies and fruit loops up there ain't ya?

Sure Bob. Well coaches, I was hoping we could talk hoops today. Let's begin with what you think the keys are for your respective teams heading into tomorrow.

Well I've been real proud of the way my guys have been playing on the defen...

(Spits out Dead Guy Ale)

What is this crap? I ask for a beer and you give me this hipster trash? Where's the man beer? Something like Natural Ice, Molson Ice, or Milwaukee's Best Ice? I should have known not to drink something that was made by fruit loops AND doesn't end in the word ice! Gawd damn hippies!

Bob, I really don't appreciate you interrupting me like that. This man is trying to make a conversation and you keep getting sidetracked.

Oh Mike, shut that sissy mouth of yours or I WILL SHUT IT FOR YOU.

Woah Mr. Huggins, please calm down. Coach K makes a good point. Let's try to be civil here.

How am I supposed to be civil while that arrogant bastard stares back at me with his beady little eyes.

Alright Bob, now that is enough. I'm tired of you acting like a child. I will reign fire down upon your children and your children's children for all eternity.

Wait...What?

Now you don't talk about my grandbabies that way, coach. West Virginia is God's country and there ain't no way you are bringing your witchcraft into Appalachia.

I'm not sure what you mean by grandbabies and witchcraft. Now can we PLEASE get this interview going? I'm a busy man. I have a credit card commercial shoot to get to. I will punish the souls of all West Virginia alums and they will know the pain of dying a thousand deaths by torture.

Coach K, are you alright?

YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT ABOUT MY ALMA MATER LIKE THAT. WEST VIRGINIA IS THE FINEST INSTITUTION IN ALL THE LAND AND I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR YOUR COMMENTS. COME OVER HERE SO I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO MR. FIST.

I'm fine, Mr. Football. And Calm down Bob, I speak no ill of your beloved alma mater. Your soul will be mine. Pain will be your way of life. You shall join me in the pits of hell until the end of time.

Okay Coach K, I'm a little creeped out by that weird devil voice you keep using. Bob, please put your shirt back on.

That's my lucky shirt and I don't want to get this pansy-ass devil-worshipping sonofabitch's blood all over it.

Now Bob, that is a wild accusation. I do not worship the devil. I am the devil.

I'm fixin' to break your devil nose.

(A series of inaudible screams and roars)

ALRIGHT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I WILL GRASP YOU BY THE TESTICLES AND SO HELP ME I JUST MAY PULL THEM OFF. BOB, FOR THE LAST TIME PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON. THAT IS HORRIFYING. MIKE, PUT THE PITCHFORK AWAY AND TUCK YOUR TAIL BACK IN. SIT THE F@*% DOWN. I BROUGHT YOU HERE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS AND WE ARE GOING TO DO THAT DAMMIT.

(Stunned silence)

That's better. Now, like I asked before, what are the keys to victory for your respective teams?

Um, well, I guess if our defense continues to play the way it has recently it will be tough for West Virginia to score on us.

I, uh, I, well, um, uh, I suppose I'll have to agree. (Ducks)

Thank you. Well, unfortunately that is all the time I have to speak with you two. Now please get out of my sight and go Butler.

Yes sir.

Yes sir and what else?

Yes sir and go Butler.