USC - Oh man, guys. You'll never guess what's up.

Cal - What?
USC - Tell 'em, LA
UCLA - We're going big time. We're going to invite six team from the Big XII to make a megaconference.
Oregon - Sweet... more money!
USC - Way more money!
Washington - Major league money.
WSU - Wait...  money? We can have that?
Texas - Alright guys, we're interested. But we need a fall guy. You know, for blowing up our conference. I never liked Nebraska. I'm going to pin it on him.
Nebraska - Screw you, Texas. I never trusted you.
Kansas - Wait, what about us?
Missouri - Haha, suckas! Looks like we get the last laugh when we join the Big Ten. Am I right, Huskers?
Nebraska - [awkwardly resists high five attempt from Mizzou]
Baylor - NOW WHAT'S THIS HERE NOW? WHY ARE WE NOT ALLOWED
Texas Tech - Shut up, Baylor. 
Oklahoma - No one likes your style, Baylor. Turn off your caps lock.
Baylor - YOU DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I SUE YOU! I AM A LAWYER!
Oklahoma State - [facepalm]
Baylor - I WILL GET TEXAS LEGISLATOR AND FORCE MY WAY IN. COLORADO NO TEXAS SO THEY BAD.
Colorado - Oh crap. Can they do that?
Texas - No. Well, maybe. Stuff's pretty messed up down here. Crazy politics. We're like our own country.
Texas A&M - Don't mess with us!
Stanford - You're so full of yourself, Texas. You too, A&M.
Cal - Quiet, Stanford. You don't get to talk until you get a SBN blog. Stupid holdouts.
Colorado - Joining! Joining! See, I signed the papers! Boom! Leeeeroy Jenkins!
Baylor - YOU CANT DO THAT CHEATOR
Nebraska - Ok, you know what? Screw you guys, I'm going to the Big Ten.
Iowa State - Dude? I thought we were friends. WTF?
Texas - We're going to explore every avenue to keep our conference together. For realsies.
Nebraska - I hate you so much.
Notre Dame - Real teams don't need conferences. [sips wine from a $1,246 bottle poured into a glass so expensive only rich people know about it]
Oklahoma - Kill yourself, ND.
Missouri - So we're rolling, right, Big Ten!
Ohio State - [awkward silence] 
Missouri -  Uh oh...
Kansas - Help! We have a legendary basketball program! We are a big deal!
[Other schools collectively chuckle]
Iowa State - It's NOT FUNNY. We're left out in the cold!
Kansas State - We go where Kansas goes. It's the law.
Kansas - I hate our state legislature so much.
Missouri - At least you weren't promised something and then not given it.
Iowa State - Cry me a river, Mizzou. You get to land on your feet. What about the small market teams? Who stands up for them? RIght, Wazzu?
WSU - Umm... sorry, man. We're just doing what you'd do in the same situation. The Mountain West is pretty cool, though! Have fun there!
Boise State -  Hey everyone! I'm joining the Mountain West! Look at me!
Idaho - Really? And we were totally prepped to get within 30 points of you next year. Unfair!
USC - Um... oh, crap. So I'm in some trouble, here. Um, yeah. Serious stuff. I'll talk to you all later...
Texas - Can we get back to important stuff? Pac-16 time! Who's with me? A&M? 
Texas A&M - You don't make decisions for us! We are our own person now, OK? You don't own me! MOM!
Texas - Oh, God. Here we go again...
Texas A&M - Know what, Texas? I'm going to the SEC! She's hot, and she LIKES ME! OK? You wouldn't know what that's like, WOULD YOU?
Alabama - That's right. Summon your anger. Unleash the power of THE DARK SIDE.
LSU - Yes, young A&M. Look at your friend, Arkansas. He has learned our power. He understands the awesome power only exhibited by the dark side of the force.
Arkansas - THE SEC IS YOUR FRIEND. LOOK AT THE FOOTBALL. LOOK AT THE BACON PRODUCTS. JOIN SEC AND YOU CAN BE HAPPY TOO... HAPPY... HAPPY....
Texas A&M - Yes... I would like to be happy....
Alabama - Join us... Texas... Oklahoma... You all can be happy....
Kansas - Do it do it do it do it! We need a home!
Utah - Us too! We're cool!
Missouri - Look at our TV market! We're totally the coolest!
Iowa State - No! Stay with us, Big XII BFFs for life, right?
Baylor - I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?

To be continued...