WSU-SMU Recap: An Alternate Reality

Week three in our continuing saga. Click the links for the first two weeks (and find out what this is all about).

Week 1
Week 2

Hello everyone!  Welcome to Washington State Football on the SyFo network!  When we last left our crew, they narrowly escaped with a win and CPW had his first encounter with the Fire Wolf.  This week, the team travels to Dallas, Texas to take on the SMU Mustangs.  We'll get into the action here soon, but first a word from our sponsors:

Narrator: Hey fans! You know you love SyFo's newest smash hit: Washington State Football.

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There is Reid Forrest, with Kung-Fu grip!

And CPW! (scene shows two grown men playing with the action figures)

Man #1: Wow, look at the realistic 6-inch vertical jump!

Narrator: Don't forget about Coach Sturdy, with real-life playbook!

Man #2: Look, we can run halfback dive, and shotgun draw!  I don't even need anything else!

Narrator: Don't be the only guy on your block without WSU Football action figures.  Run out and buy the whole set today!

(Available where all fine Science Fiction and Football related items are sold.)

Realistic 6-inch vertical jump?  I need those now!  Click the jump for this week's episode.

Prologue

The scene begins in the SMU film room with Head Coach June Jones and one of his assistant coaches.  The two are watching the second half of the WSU-MSU game.

June Jones: I thought this Reid Forrest kid was just a punter?  I was under the impression that all this Heisman stuff was just a joke.

Assistant: Oh, no sir.  They dispelled those rumors last week.  He is a legit talent.  Look at him run over those Montana State players.  He scored eight touchdowns in a single half!

June Jones: And look at the mustaches on that team.  Have you ever seen a more impressive display of collective facial hair?

Assistant: No, sir. 

June Jones: (now staring intently at the screen) Wait a second...do you see that? That flash of metal on Reid Forrest's finger, where it looks like he has a cut?

Assistant: Why yes I do.  What do you think it means?

June Jones: This may explain a lot.  Could he possibly be an android? Could he have a metal skeletal structure?

Assistant: An Android, sir?  Have those even been invented yet?

June Jones: Anything is possible at WSU, haven't you seen that commercial where they claim to be able to grow crops in the desert?

Assistant: Oh my.  We need to get the NCAA on the phone immediately!

June Jones: I know the perfect guy to call.  He isn't official yet, but he is definitely already working and may have great interest in this specific case.

The scene moves to a bright red phone ringing inside an office in Indianapolis, IN. Former University of Washington President and soon to be NCAA President Mark Emmert picks up the phone.

Mark Emmert: NCAA violation report hotline, this is Mark Emmert, how may I sanction you today?

Jones: Mr. Emmert, this is June Jones.  I have a case you may be very interested in.  It involves the team we are playing this week.

Emmert: The Washington State Cougars? Ah, how I do loathe them.  I would love to do anything to bring them down.

Jones: Well I have reason to believe one of their athletes is ineligible, due to his status as an android.

Emmert: An android? OF COURSE! You must be talking about Reid Forrest.  No human can be that close to perfect.  I will issue a statement declaring his ineligibilty immediately, until he can PROVE to use he is human.

Jones:  Prove to you he is human? That shouldn't be hard.  He does everything like a human.

Emmert: Not everything. MUHUHUHUHAHAHAHA

Scene 1

Washington State has just finished their Friday walkthrough in Dallas.  CPW is speaking to the team, when a team manager comes running up with a man in a black suit and black sunglasses.

Manager: Coach, coach! This guy is from the NCAA!

CPW: The NCAA? What is the meaning of this?

NCAA rep: Coach, we have reason to believe one of your players is ineligible because he is not human.

CPW: (takes hat off and wipes brow) Not human...um what do you mean? I...uh...look at these guys. They all look human to me!

NCAA rep: That's the point sir, we believe that Reid Forrest is an android.

Reid Forrest: How can you prove this sir? I look and talk like a human, and the NCAA does not have the power to investigate any further.

NCAA rep: We have already declared you ineligible, it is up to you to prove to us that you ARE human.

Forrest: What else am I to do?

NCAA rep: If you really are human, then you will be able to show us emotion.

Reid Forrest is unable to show the NCAA representative any real emotion.  He is declared ineligible for the SMU game.

CPW: What are we going to do?  Reid was really the only player that can make Sturdy's offense work on a regular basis, and even that was difficult at times.

Todd Sturdy: What are you talking about coach? They'll never expect us to run the draw on second down 10 series in a row!

Scene 2

It's the second quarter of the game.  The Cougar offense has stalled after 12 runs in a row.  The score is 13-0 in favor of SMU.

Jeff Tuel: Coach, I don't even know why I'm in there.  Why don't they just snap the ball straight to the running back?

Marquess Wilson: Yeah, we run so many double tight sets I've seen the field twice in three games!

CPW: I know guys. But what can we do? He's my guy, I brought him here.

Tuel: We are going to  have to distract him somehow, Marquess.  Then we'll just call our own plays.  Do you have any ideas?

Wilson: I know Coach Todd loves clowns, but where are we going to get some clowns?

Tuel: How about those ones that have been standing on the sideline next to Alex Hoffman-Ellis the whole season.

Wilson: Huh, I never noticed that.

Wilson and Tuel run over to Hoffman-Ellis and the clowns.

Tuel: Alex! We need to borrow your clown friends.

Hoffman-Ellis: Sure man.  My clowns are here for the enjoyment of all.  What are you going to do with them?

Wilson: We've got to distract Sturdy from calling the plays, it is our only hope!

Hoffman-Ellis: Sounds like a plan. C'mon guys. (He motions to the clowns and they follow)

Tuel: Where did you get those clowns from anyway?

Hoffman-Ellis: I don't know man.  I just remember right before the first game thinking all the Cowboys were a bunch of jokers.  Next thing I knew these guys were right beside me.  Considering all the other wierd stuff that has been happening, I figured I would just roll with it.

Hoffman-Ellis and the clowns make their way up Sturdy in the booth.  They burst through the door.

Hoffman-Ellis: Hey Coach Todd, I've got a surprise for you!

Todd: (Drops his headset) Omigosh, CLOWNS! I LOVE CLOWNS!

Hoffman-Ellis: (Picks up the headset, puts the microphone to his mouth) Hey CPW, the clowns worked.

CPW: Copy that. Jeff! It's up to you now/

Tuel: I know the perfect play.

Tuel fakes the handoff and airs it out to Marquess Wilson, who catches the pass for a touchdown.  The Cougars finish out the half with another passing touchdown and head into the locker room with a 14-13 lead.

Scene 3

It is now the fourth quarter.  WSU clings to a 28-27 lead over SMU.  WSU has the ball.  Up in the booth, while playing with the clowns, Todd Sturdy notices out of the corner of his eye that Jeff Tuel makes a forward pass.

Todd: What is going on down there! (picks up headset) CPW, this is Todd.  What is that play you just ran?

CPW: Oh, Todd. Um, we just didn't know what to run without your offensive genius.

Todd: Well no worries, because I'm back now. SHOTGUN DRAW!

After running the ball three consecutive times, WSU elects to punt.  Without All-World punter Reid Forrest, SMU gets the ball in good field position.  They eventually score the go-ahead touchdown with 15 seconds left.  Making it 34-27. After receiving the kick off and running on the first play, CPW calls a timeout.

Tuel: Coach, we aren't going to score if we run that same play again.

Todd (In CPW's headset): Run it! Run it! Run it up the middle!

CPW: My hands are tied. If only we had our star, he could make this play work for for us. CPW gazes over behind the endzone, where three NCAA reps are standing around Reid Forrest.

Tuel: There is no way he is going to show emotion!

Voice from behind them: I think there is a way.

CPW and Tuel turn around to find the voice.

Tuel: Taylor Rochestie! What are you doing here?

Rochestie: I have just the thing.  No one can see what I have without showing emotion. No one.

CPW: Well, it is worth a shot.

Tuel, Rochestie, and Tuel head over to the NCAA reps and Reid Forrest. 

CPW: Hey Reid.  Taylor has something to show you.  NCAA reps, you better watch too.  We think we can prove Reid is capable of emotion.

Taylor shows the group this video on his phone.

NCAA Rep #1: (tears streaming down his face). That was your senior night? It couldn't be any more perfect!

NCAA Rep #2: And the Coldplay in the background was just amazing!

CPW: (wiping his face and sniffling) What do you think Reid?

Reid: I...uh...sensory overload...that...was...beautiful....(a single tear falls down Reid's face).

Tuel: It worked! Can he play now guys?

NCAA Rep #1:  Sure, I mean, how can you be mean after watching that video?

While all this went on, WSU was assessed 10 straight delay of game penalties and now sits on their own 1 yard line.

CPW: What's the call Todd?

Todd: I don't care as long as it is a run up the middle.  They'll never expect it!

CPW: I think we can make it work.

Reid Forrest takes the handoff 99 yards for the game-tying touchdown, then goes for two just for the heck of it and the Cougs win 36-34.  The only SMU fan in attendance is beside himself.

SMU Superfan: NOOOOOOO!!!!

June Jones: (shaking hands with CPW) Well done, Coach.  I guess I underestimated your star over there.

CPW: He continues to impress.

Realizing the true power of that video, Taylor Rochestie presents it to the United Nations.  The video becomes the central piece in negotiations between countries and World Peace is achieved.

Epilogue

Back in Mark Emmert's office.  He is on the phone again.

Emmert: I'm beginning to think this team really is unstoppable, SARK.

SARK: Impossible! And I have nine more games to figure it out! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Stay tuned next week as the USC Trojans visit Pullman.  What will the team do with Coach Sturdy? Can they overcome his vanilla playcalling? What do the evil duo of SARK and Emmert have in store for our heroes? 

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