WSU-USC Recap: An Alternate Reality (Extended Director's Cut Version)

Week four in our continuing saga. Click the links for the first three weeks (and find out what this is all about).

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Welcome back to another exciting edition of Washington State Football on the SyFo network!  Last week we saw our heroes overcome an evil NCAA president, terrible playcalling, and the SMU Mustangs to emerge victorious for the third week in a row!  This week the mighty USC Trojans come to town, led by the derpibolical Lane Kiffin!  First, a word from our sponsors:

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I highly recommend it, especially for Washington State Football fans!  Click the jump for this week's adventures.

Prologue

Lane Kiffin, Monte Kiffin, and the rest of the USC coaching staff are holding their weekly meeting to discuss the upcoming opponent.

Monte Kiffin: On the defensive side of the ball, it is pretty clear that we need to stop Reid Forrest to be successful.

Lane Kiffin: Hey Daddy, do you like my new highlights?  Layla suggested I get them to fit in better in LA.

Monte: Um, they are fine.  Can you focus, Lane?  You're the head coach, remember?  They are paying you four million dollars a year to run this team.  Let's get down to business.

Lane: Oh yeah, sometimes I forget about the four million dollars! MONEY BATH! MONEY BATH!

Lane Kiffin runs over to the corner of the conference room, where a solid gold clawfoot bathtub is set up filled with twenty dollar bills, he strips nude and jumps in to the tub.

Lane: Look at me Daddy! Hehehehehehehe.

Monte: (head in his hands) That's nice Lane.

Lane: You're not looking!

Monte: I guess I'll have to run this meeting.  Any ideas on how to stop Mr. Forrest?

Coach #1: I've watched the tape. That man or android or whatever, is programmed to run the football.  He is unstoppable. 

Monte: There has to be a way.  There has to be.  Wait, wasn't he a wide receiver at one point?

Coach #2: Yeah, I believe so.  He become a running back to adapt to Todd Sturdy's playcalling.

Lane: Hey Dad...

Monte: Well, what if we somehow changed his programming...

Lane: Hey Dad...

Monte: and reverse it back to...

Lane: Hey Dad...

Monte: his original function as a wide receiver.

Lane: Hey Dad!

Monte: WHAT?!? WHAT IS IT LANE?!?

Lane: When are we going for ice cream?

Monte: I've told you a thousand times, you are grown man and you can go out for ice cream on your own, or maybe with that beautiful wife of yours.

Lane: (lip quivering) But, but...

Monte: BUT NOTHING, END OF CONVERSATION.

Lane Kiffin mopes out of the room with his head down.

Monte: As I was saying, if can somehow kidnap Forrest and reprogram him as a receiver, there is no way we can lose!  Sturdy will keep calling runs up the middle, regardless of personnel!

Coach #1: But how are we going to do that?

Monte: I've got someone in mind. Someone who works very well in the dark.

The scene moves to a local ice cream store, where Lane is trying to get some ice cream.  He orders the ice cream very confidently, even persuading the cashier to give it to him for free.  Upon receiving the ice cream, he has great difficulty executing the "eating the ice cream" part, with which his father usually provides assistance.  He drops the ice cream all over his clothes, then trips and falls on his face on the way out of the store.

Scene 1

The scene begins outside of Sloan Hall, where Reid Forrest is being held for some fine tuning.  A lemur-esque figure, clothed entirely is purple, is stalking up to the window of the room where Reid is being held.

Engineering Student #1: That's all we can do for tonight.  Let's lock up.

SARK: (in a hushed tone) It's a beautiful day in Seattle.

Engineering Student #2: Hey, did you hear that?

Engineering Student #1: Hear what?

SARK: (again in a hushed tone) I love purple.

Engineering Student #2: There it is again.

Engineering Student #1: I heard it too...reminds me of something I've seen on Twitter.  Where is it coming from?

After a flash of smoke, SARK appears in front of the two students.

Engineering Student #1: Steve Sarkisian? What are you doing here?

SARK: I just need to talk to your friend, Reid, here.  I'm going to need his access codes.

Engineering Student #2: What? Never. 

SARK: This isn't really a choice.

After a long, enthusiastic discussion with the two students, SARK offers them football scholarships, enrolls them at the evil UW, and obtains the access codes to Reid's motherboard.

SARK: Thank you for your help, boys.

Engineering Student #1: (with a dazed look in his eyes) Bark for Sark.

Engineering Student #2: Woof. Woof.

SARK accesses Reid's main computer and activates his original wide receiver programming. 

SARK: BAHAHAHAHA.  Todd Sturdy will never be able to change his gameplan! We finally have you Cougs, we finally have you!

SARK disappears into the darkness.

Scene 2

It is WSU football practice the next day and the coaches notice something is not right with their star, Reid Forrest.

CPW: What is going on with Reid today? Every time he is supposed to take a handoff, he just cuts right out into a pass pattern. 

Todd Sturdy:  We just need to keep calling more runs.  He'll get it.  It's just muscle memory!

CPW: I'm not so sure about that, let's call him over here. Reid!

Forrest runs over to the two coaches.

Reid Forrest: Yes, coach?

CPW: What is going on with you today?  You haven't executed a single running play.

Forrest: I'm not sure coach, I just can't seem to take a handoff.  No matter what, I have a great desire to run a route and catch a pass.

Todd:  But I don't call any passes, Reid.  You know that. 

Forrest: I know, I just can't help it.

CPW: Hmmm...Reid, why don't you line up next to me like wideout and run a post pattern.

Reid Forrest runs the pattern with perfect technique.  CPW purposely underthrows him, but Reid comes back to the ball to make an extremely difficult catch.

CPW: It's just what I feared.

Todd: What?

CPW: It appears Reid's programming has changed.  I know he was in for some maintenance yesterday.  Let's get those engineering students out here.

Jeff Tuel: When I went to pick up Reid earlier today, the students were gone and no one knew where they were.

CPW: What? They were the only ones with Reid's access codes. 

Tuel: What are we going to do now?

Todd: Run it!

CPW: That's the problem Todd, we can't.  Reid has been reprogrammed.  Have you been paying attention?

Todd: Not really...

Tuel: CPW, can I talk to you over here.  Hey Coach Sturdy, I think the line wanted to hear your philosophies on spacing.

Todd: Great! My pleasure!

Jeff Tuel and CPW head to the opposite corner of the practice field.

Tuel: Coach, you have to get rid of him.  There is no way we can win on Saturday without using Reid.  It is obvious we need to throw the ball, and Sturdy is not going to do that.

CPW: I am aware of Sturdy's shortcomings, but I can't bail on him.  He is a close friend.

Tuel:  Well you are going to have to change his mind.

CPW: Impossible.  We've been running the same offense here for over two years, there is no way he will change now.

Tuel: We just need something to convince him, and I have the perfect idea.  You get Sturdy in the film room watching the Montana State game.  I've got to have C.J. Mizell make a phone call.

Scene 3

Todd Sturdy and CPW are in the film room, watching the Montana State-Washington State game.

Todd: Why are we watching this with the volume on, Coach?

CPW: Just wanted to make sure you pay attention to the play-by-play guy.

Todd: The play-by-guy? Heister is almost impossible to stand.  How is this benefiting anyone?

The door to the room opens and Jeff Tuel enters with Greg Heister.

Heister: Hey-yo!

Todd: What is he doing here?

Heister: Where's CJ? He's my boy!

Tuel: We've hired Greg to provide commentary on all of our game film.

Todd: What? Why?

CPW: We feel it adds an extra, exciting element to watching film.  But Greg will only do it under one condition.

Todd: Well, whatever that condition is, I say no!

CPW: Are you sure?  Greg just loves your offensive philosophies and only wants to dub over all our games if you keep running the ball.

Heister: Pound that rock!

Todd: I...uh...Well, that's a shame because I think just now I decided we need a change.

Heister: Oh no! Heya! Gonzaga basketball!

CPW: A change, what kind of change?

Todd: Well, let's just throw all the time.  Four wide sets all day!  Anything to keep him away.

Heister: Bouldin to the hole! ZAGS ZAGS ZAGS!

CPW: Sounds great, Todd.  Let's get working on the scheme.

Heister: When do I get to see CJ?

CPW and Todd Sturdy spend the rest of the night drawing up an entirely new playbook using the pistol formation and four wide receiver sets. The pistol part was added because Heister was still in the room and thought it "sounded cool."  He would not leave until CPW and Sturdy agreed.

Scene 4 (with a bonus battle sequence)

It's the day of the game.  Using their new offense, Washington State easily defeats the USC Trojans and breaks the all-time record for biggest win with a final score of 224-0.  Reid Forrest leads the way, scoring 22 touchdowns before being pulled at halftime.  USC was completely unprepared, as head coach Lane Kiffin was so confident (or distracted by LOLCatz) that he saw it unnecessary to prepare a game plan.

Lane: Dad! You said this was going to be easy.

Monte: I had no idea Todd Sturdy even knew what the forward pass was!

Lane: I'm mad. (Makes his ugly mad face)

From across the field, CPW notices Lane Kiffin's face and comes racing over.

CPW: Who do you think you are, Lane?  Trying to make that face.  That's my face.  I'm the one who makes the best in-game faces around here.

Lane: Oh yeah? Have you taken a look at AP and Getty Images?  I'm all over the place, with a different look for every picture!

CPW: There is only one way to settle this, and only one man bold enough to announce it.

Heister: FACE OFF!!! TO THE OCTAGON!

The scene shifts to The Octagon, located in the basement of the renovated Compton Union Building on the Washington State University campus.

Random Student #1: So this is what our 120 bucks a semester is paying for...

Random Student #2: Totally worth it!

The face off begins with CPW and Lane Kiffin facing each other in The Octagon.  Both men are reluctant to make a first move.

Heister: Whoa-hah the tension is tight in here. 

CPW: Try this one on for size, baby Kiffin.

Heister: Coach Wulff with his "Is my team really this bad?" face.  Does Kiffin have an answer?

Lane: Hah! Is that the best you got?

Heister: Kiffin with his classic "What does that question mean?"  And Wulff goes down!  What a face from Lane Kiffin.  He has really brought his ugly tonight!  Kiffin is moving in for the kill!

CPW languishes on the floor, his head still spinning from the ugly.  Kiffin slowly walks towards him with his hands covering his face.  He leans in.  CPW rolls over just as Kiffin moves his hands away.

Heister: Oh my goodness! Kiffin wants to end this early.  He breaks out the DERP!  That's his best move! Will Wulff have an answer? 

Lane: DERP! DERP! DERP!

Heister: What's this? CPW is rising to his feet!  He seems unphased by Lane Kiffin's DERP! He is poised in his "Blue Steel" look, stoically warding off everything that Kiffin can throw off at him!

Kiffin tries everything he has.  Eventually, he exhausts all of his options.  CPW remains in Blue Steel, preparing for his next move.

Heister: It looks like Coach Wulff is going for the knockout blow!  Kiffin is bracing himself on the cage!  This could get nasty in a hurry!

CPW:  Say goodnight, Mr. Kiffin.

Lane: Daddy!

Heister: Howowser!  Paul Wulff has just unleashed the "Did you not hear what play I called or are you a total moron?" look.  Kiffin goes down.  Kiffin goes down!  The referee is calling it.  Paul Wulff wins! Paul Wulff wins!

The crowd roars as Kiffin and his face are carried out of The Octagon.  Wulff celebrates with his trademark "leap" into the air.

Tuel: What the hell just happened?

Marquess Wilson:  I have no idea.  This crap just keeps getting weirder.

Todd: Do you think they are going to bring back those clowns?

Epilogue

Mark Emmert: You have failed again, SARK.  I'm beginning to have doubt in your abilities to take this Washington State team down!

SARK: I just need more time, Mr. Emmert. 

Emmert: Time? You've had four weeks and they only seem to be getting stronger!

SARK: I know sir...I know.

Emmert:  Get out of my sight.  I cannot tolerate any more incompetence!

SARK: It won't happen again.  I will break them!

Can Wazzu keep their win streak alive and continue to thwart Sark's attempts at sabotage? Stay tuned next week as Washington State heads to Los Angeles to take on former UW (dun dun dun) coach Rick Neuheisel and the UCLA Bruins.  Only on the SyFo Network!

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