One doesn't have to go much farther than the the preview frame of this official Pac-12 commercial (For those of you that might not see it - his name rhymes with Jeeves Schmelson) to realize that this "sizzling" piece of work may need to have a slight rewrite, as the product it is promoting may be more aptly described with an adjective like "steaming."
First of all, the music and voice-over guy need to be changed. They give the impression that 2012 Pac-12 basketball was filled with epic battles between elite teams, instead of pillow fights between bottom dwellers.
A Benny Hill-style soundtrack seems like the obvious choice here, but that would tarnish the good name of Benny Hill. Instead, some elevator music may be more appropriate. Nobody enjoys it and it doesn't really offend anybody. This is similar to the way Pac-12 was in the non-conference schedule. They actively avoided offending teams by losing to them every night.
Now that elevator music is properly conveying the mildness of the Pac-12 this season, a voice is needed that will have the viewer saying, "Wow, Pac-12 basketball is terrible and I should avoid it."
Nothing sends people running faster than the voice of former "Nanny" star (and possibly some show that is on TV right now that I may have seen in commercials) Fran Drescher. Fran's voice has that shrill pitch and obnoxious laugh that does to the ears exactly what Pac-12 basketball has done to the eyes of viewers this season: Make them explode into a bloody mess.
Now that those two important elements are out of the way, it is time to get down to business on the lyrics.
The video starts off innocently enough:
In life, and in basketball, the only this constant is change.
This statement is accurate. Pac-12 basketball has certainly seen change over the past few years. Going from one of the elite conferences at the end of the last decade to currently ranking as 9th behind the Missouri Valley on KenPom.com. No changes needed there.
Welcome to evolution.
Evolution? That's not the correct word here. What is the opposite of evolution? That is what we need. Has there been any animals that have devolved? Like maybe the cheetah decided it was running too fast and it wanted to slow down and give its prey a level playing field?
The Pac-12 would be that slow cheetah. So instead we'll say (Remember to read in a Fran Drescher voice):
"Imagine a world, a world where the fastest predators jogged at a leisurely place. Where primates stopped using tools. Where whales thought all that blubber made their hips look big and got liposuction, only to freeze in the chill of Arctic waters."
(That last part is a perfect place to inject the Pac-12 Tournament's title sponsor.)
The next portion of the video is something like JOHN WOODEN UCLA JOHN WOODEN LUTE OLSON ARIZONA JOHN WOODEN (and Gary Payton). Putting that in there is similar to Uncle Rico talking about how "He was so good until he blew out his knee." What have you done for me lately Pac-12? You work the night shift at the gas station and your ex-cheerleader wife couldn't fit her old uniform over half of one of her butt cheeks. Time to stop living in the past, dude.
Instead, that part will be devoted to a bunch of pictures of mountains and the ocean, and maybe a clip from those California commercials where the celebrities talk about how much better their life is than yours. "Sure our basketball sucks, but we get to go skiing and surfing afterwards."
The progressive approach to evolution is intrinsic, intuitive, inspiring.
Inspiring hits with a clip of Reeves Nelson. Maybe a different word would work better there? Maybe dissuading? Also, that sentence is complete nonsense. Not even being sarcastic about that one. It is just a lot of big-ish words that sound pretty.
We'll leave that sentence in there and let Fran Drescher say it. That should do it justice.
Now, a brash new breed of high-flyers, with unrefined talent, raw electricity, and unnerving skills stands forth ready to unleash their pandemonium on the basketball world.
All the key words are in there, they just need to be rearranged:
"Now, raw, unrefined, and unnerving basketball players."
Oh, and about those coaches:
At the reigns, 12 commanders of organized chaos. Redefining the playbook and refining the fundamentals.
Chaos? Ben Howland agrees. Perhaps "refining" the fundamentals isn't quite accurate. Instead:
"At the reigns for now, amidst the chaos, 12 guys who are all at least a little bit hated by parts of their fanbases, redefining the fundamentals."
Not as poetic, but gets the job done.
The promo ends with some "blah blah blah blah, Gus Johnson awesomeness, blah blah blah, Gus Johnson awesomeness, blah blah blah."
The Gus Johnson quotes stay, but instead this laugh will be played after every Gusgasm.
So there you have it, a newly redesigned Pac-12 basketball promotional video. Something befitting of the current state of affairs in Pac-12 basketball, because recognizing poor play is both intrinsic and intuitive.