Sorry Cougar Pride, no curling for you any time soon. Photo Courtesy: WSU Athletic Communication
I have no logical way of explaining how this possibly could've occurred.
It is easy to sometimes forgive people for being naive regarding college athletics. Some people just aren't interested in what I would consider to be the greatest level of all athletics. I mean, you've got players who are giving their blood and sweat for little more than the name on the front of their uniform and rabid fans who suffer in the soul crushing defeats and agonizing, tooth gnashing, last second wins that cause a euphoria you can only get from an illicit drug otherwise. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing. Just don't expect me to hang out in Starbucks with a scarf on, discuss the "screenplay" you're writing then go to a concert in someone's garage with you. I don't care if you once saw Death Cab For Cutie perform in buddy's mole hill infested back yard "before they got huge", I don't want to go.
But even if you have absolutely zero interest in college athletics, you probably know curling isn't a popular sport in the collegiate ranks given its once every four years popularity when it's buried on one of NBC's sister channels in the Winter Olympics. Curling is a sport played on ice and, I don't think I'm being unfair here, is generally partaken in whilst knocking back a few cold adult beverages with ones friends. This is explains why it's perfect for Canadians. Also, leave it to them to screw up bowling but that's an entirely different issue.
Assuming you can discern that curling is not a popular sport in America, you could probably decipher that college sports governing body, the National Collegiate Athletic Association, more commonly known as "that thing Mark Emmert has no idea how to run", would have little interest in regulating the sport. You'd be right too, College Curling USA governs it.
Given all that, you'd likely come to the conclusion that curling is this: a club sport with a loyal following at a few select schools in the upper Midwest that share the bone chilling winter temperatures of dear ol' Canada. You'd be spot on as well.
So why would a pair of zany, off the wall morning radio hosts in Bellingham assume Washington State University, a university in a place not unlike the upper Midwest except that it's not as flat as David Shaw's personality, be adding curling as a varsity sport?
The gentleman who made this assumption would be morning hosts Brad and John (who I assume dropped their last name because all FM morning show hosts are required to do so by law) from KISM in Bellingham. Looking past their corny "thumb backwards pointing at the other host in a 'THIS GUY, MAN I TELL YA, THIS GUY' fashion" banner at the top of their page for a moment, I'll direct you to their Knucklehead of the Day segment from this morning. You see, Brad and John were apparently talking about curling earlier this week when a listener called in and told them WSU was adding curling as the seventh men's varsity sport. B&J, as I've now come to affectionately call them, aren't ones to skimp on the research. So they went to Google and clicked on the first thing that happens to come up when you search for "WSU curling." That first thing happens to be this post we (by we, I mean Grady) at CougCenter published. Yipee, we're gunna get some pub on a radio station! Too bad there's a problem with all of this. Take a listen to the segment at B&J's website where I linked above or I've embedded it below.
Today is January 3rd, 2013. The article we published, as you now know thanks to your careful and studious listening, was an April Fools joke. It was published on April 1st, 2012. Forgive me if my elementary math skills are escaping me but not only was that over nine months ago, we're now closer to the next April Fools Day than the last one.
As some of you know, I had a cup of coffee at a couple radio stations and there was one thing that was preached/rammed down my throat: you make sure what you're talking about is accurate. John (I'm assuming it's John because he seems like the sidekick and his name comes second in the show title) says they Googled it and clicked on one of the stories about WSU curling, meaning ours, and "there it was, the Wazzu letterhead". Up to this point, I wasn't aware we here at CougCenter were official Washington State University letterhead and could now make policy decisions. With this in mind, here are new policies that will be rolling out in the coming weeks and months*:
-All dorms will now include East German weightlifting instructors who will run freshman ragged to keep the Freshman 15 off.
-Colorado Street will now come with those water and refreshment stations runners get in marathons. Hey, I get tired walking from Valhalla to whatever the hell they're calling Mike's.
-All of Ken Bone's shoes will now have Stick'em installed on the bottom to avoid another Hec Ed fiasco.
-Pullman Police will be giving funding to take a class on what a sliding door screen actually looks like when it's askew.
-I am installing myself as the athletic director's director. I won't be making any decisions, I just want to hang out with Bill Moos all day and hear stories about Mel Hein.
-At Jeff Collier's request, all broadcast equipment owned by the university will be Mountain Dew proofed.
-At Kyle Sherwood's request, his RV parking spot is now the space behind the east end zone.
The boys would go on to riff about WSU adding curling but not other, more popular men's varsity sports for a while. John even admits he didn't read the whole post which, at the bottom, includes this line:
Happy April Fools Day, everyone.
But more concerning is that right at the top of the post, right above the picture, is the date of publish which reads "Apr. 1" which they apparently glossed right over. If they would've read further, they would've seen Bill Moos quoted as saying this was "pretty dope" and that Larry Scott apparently puts puns in his news releases.
To top it all off, that music bed underneath the Knucklehead segment is just, well, it's horrific. And who, may I ask, is the listener who called in the first place to tell them about this? Were you also fooled by Grady's sublime and exquisitely written joke?
At this point, I think it's clear: CougCenter now has the power to troll days, weeks and months in the past without us even knowing it. It's apparent to me the website itself has become sentient and, in order to protect the public from more morning show segments like this one, we must shut it down.
Or keep it up. But it's up to Nusser so if you want to voice your opinion about this site possibly becoming our future overlord, please send us a letter and self addressed stamped envelope (you get a five dollar Burger King gift card for writing in!) to:
1060 West Addison Street, Chicago, Illinois, 60613
Make sure you address it to one of us, our roommates Jake and Elwood tend to open any mail they think could be for them.
* - Seriously Elson, gimme the power. You know you want to. I'll even get you that mustache trimmer we talked about.