The Battle for the Palouse on the football field isn't set to happen until September, but both sides appear to be working hard to establish dominance of one of the nation's most fertile farming regions. WSU wide receiver Mansel Simmons was hospitalized on Sunday following an apparent territorial battle between Idaho and Washington State football players.
Thankfully, Christian Caple reports he has been released from the hospital, so it appears Simmons is at least OK.
Some details of this utterly ridiculous and stupid turf war are coming to light. Pullman police commander Chris Tennant told the Moscow-Pullman Daily News, "All that's coming up is a rivalry between the two teams."
A football rivalry is one thing, but it appears these sides are out for far more than bragging rights. Idaho must have been determined to come to Pullman and claim a new section of the Palouse for the Black and Gold, because they came armed, according to the Daily Evergreen:
The assailant, who has not been identified, allegedly pulled a knife then punched Simmons in the face.
Knives? Shit just got real. We can only assume the conversation before the altercation looked something like this:
Idaho: Who's that?
WSU: That's my lady, homie. Her name is Brandi.
Idaho: Man, she isn't your woman. She is my woman.
WSU: How can she be your woman when she's my lady?
Idaho: She's my wife.
WSU: She may be your wife but I stick my ding-a-ling in her every night, so that makes her mine.
Oh, but the battle doesn't stop there. WSU may have dealt it's own blow. The girlfriend of Idaho wide receiver Khalif Wyatt's car was found damaged, the rear window smashed and a rearview mirror broken, per the Daily Evergreen. Just one side trying to send the other a message not to come back across the border.
No word on whether a severed horse head was found in the car, or anywhere else. For now, either side should avoid any meetings at local Italian restaurant Basilio's.
Some may wonder why the two football teams have succumb to this territorial war. One needs to look no farther than the recent history of the programs to find out why. The Cougars and Vandals haven't beaten up many teams on the field, so they've resorted to doing so through other avenues. With all that strength and conditioning training, it's natural to want to put it to good use.
In the process, they may claim the right to the nation's top wheat-producing areas. That's a lot of bread, and carbohydrates are important.
WSU American Studies major: Why is it that there is a knife shop on almost every corner in this community?
Old Man: Why?
WSU American Studies major: I'll tell you why. For the same reason that there is a place to buy alcohol on almost every corner in the Palouse. Why? Our football teams are awful.