Look, this article is all about reliving the best moments from the past weekend's Cougar game and, let's be honest... There weren't many. So I decided to go two different directions: honor a true American hero who began his rocket to stardom during the game and make some stuff up...
Please note: If you came here today for solid analysis on what went wrong against Stanford, this is not the place. That comes later in the week from other people who are much smarter than me.
Let's start with a brief look at what actually happened:
Stanford had a 17-3 lead into the second quarter. Foolishly, I still thought the Cougs had a shot, mostly because of all the drops in major situations from the wide receivers. However, in order to have any chance at all, they needed a stop on this drive. Deone Bucannon came up (relatively) huge here (after Horton bit HARD).
After that, some other stuff happened that didn't include the Cougars playing well. Mike Leach knew exactly what went wrong and offered his advice on what his team needs to do to have a chance to win.
After half time, the rain started to fall and the fans went in the direction of FX McRory's and Showgirls. There weren't many people left to see Stanford start to pour it on WSU. But luckily for everyone, this guy stuck around.
This man clearly wanted to party. He had multiple problems with his plan: (1) There was no one around to party with him and (2) He was FAR too clean. He came up with a solution. First, he would kick back and take advantage of the space that everyone around him had vacated. Second, he bought some popcorn (possibly kettlecorn) and started to enjoy it. When he decided that he was REALLY enjoying the popcorn, he decided to finish it off all at once.
Popcorn is a comfort food. This American hero was just doing what we all wanted to do at home while watching this one (except, maybe, replace the popcorn with some kind of alcohol).
After that, some other less important things that pale in comparison to what that guy did happened. Below, Gabe Marks and the Cougs scored their first Pac-12 touchdown of the year.
Then, shockingly, they scored another Pac-12 touchdown on the feet of Austin Apodaca of all people.
Then... It ended. After it ended, I was depressed and went to sleep. While sleeping, I dreamed of a world where the game went down a different way. Below is an account of what totally, completely, 100%, no BS, actually happened (in my dreams).
The Cougs jumped out to an early huge lead. In order to troll Stanford a little bit, Coach Leach put Deone Bucannon in on offense where he made a great play to turn a sure interception into a touchdown.
WSU let off the gas a bit near the end of the half and only took a 56-28 lead into the locker room. Mike Leach, shocked at how badly the Cardinal was playing, gave David Shaw some tips before heading into halftime.
The Cougs came out of the break firing on all cylinders. Leading 87-48 in the 4th quarter, Marks took an Apodaca pass (who, interestingly enough, is both the 2nd and 6th string quarterback) 48 yards to the house.
After breaking the 100 point barrier, the crowd erupted. All of the jam-packed 70,000 person, standing room only crowd rushed the field. Only one fan remained in the stands as an ocean of people came onto the playing surface.
He was in a state of shock. He didn't know what to do and celebrated by throwing back a whole bunch of popcorn. This man used this moment to become the most famous man in America and would go on to win the presidential election in 2016.
It took 27 minutes to clear the field following that event. To punish WSU, the officials awarded Stanford 7 points, an unprecedented penalty in the history of college football. Once they retook the field, WSU continued to drive up the score but, in the process ran out the clock. Apodaca wanted the game to end quicker so he pulled a Madden by running around for a little before throwing another TD pass. What a good sport...
Then... It ended. After it ended, I was super excited and celebrated by running a marathon.
Then... I woke up and realized that it was all a dream. The Cougs had been blown out by one of the best teams in America.
That's it for GIF-a-Palooza this week. Next week, we'll return to our regular, less weird, format (hopefully). I'll leave you this week with an important moral: Don't worry about what others think about you. Be yourself no matter who may be watching. Take the guy below for example. He decided to be himself in front of a national TV audience and now he's a true American hero.
Bless you popcorn man. Bless you.