Pac-12 Football odds and picks: The Gamble-Tron, Week Eight

Welcome back to our 2016 exercise in futility. When I was a kid, my parents sent me to Catholic school from Kindergarten through 12th grade. One of the saints to whom people often prayed was St. Jude. Why? Well, ol’ St. Jude was the patron saint of lost causes. Needless to say, I could have spent a lot of my youth kneeling beside the bed in hopes that my favorite sports teams would turn it around.

Those lousy teams of my youth have improved somewhat, but man was there ever some suffering in between. So now that my two favorite football teams are at least decent, the biggest lost cause in my sports life is clearly this machine that keeps spitting out losers. If there’s anyone who can pull us out of this mess, it’s Judas Thaddaeus. If he can’t do it, no one can.

Why I’m a genius: Virginia was on a nice little run. Virginia is a total fraud, and I knew Pitt would expose them as such. Sure enough, the Panthers won easily. I don’t know how anyone could have looked at the Arizona injury list and thought they could come within 14 points of USC. RichRod and his tight end-turned-quarterback had no chance.

Why I’m an idiot: Once more, good start, awful finish. I mean, good lord, Cougs. THAT WAS IN THE BAG. I picked Akron to cover against Western Michigan. They almost did...losing 41-0. Thought ASU could cover 13. I think they lost by about 45. I’ve seen a few Notre Dame games this year. I knew they were bad, but mercy, they are baaaaaaad. Not calling myself an idiot for the OSU-Utah debacle. Utah didn’t see much of a problem with letting OSU’s backup quarterback tack on a meaningless touchdown for a backdoor cover. Thanks, Kyle.

Last Week: 2-5

Season Total: 25-34-1

Cash Balance: One lonely Abe Lincoln

Reader Results:

• MileHighPharmer: 1-5 / -$450 (burned by the ol’ alma mater)
• Dr.Coug-A-Lot: 2-3 / -$750
• cmaddex: 1-4 / -$340
• BothwaysUphill: 1-4 / -$340
• sdcoug09: 1-5 / -$450
• TheOriginalCougMan: 4-3 (Only person over .500. Excellent work) / $70
• stewak: 2-3 / -$1,300 (beware men with sap gloves hanging out around your car)

Ahead we must forge.

Oregon (+3/-105) at Cal (-3/-115): I mean, yuck. Both teams coming off a bye coming off terrible losses. The Ducks were humiliated at home, while Cal became Oregon State’s first conference win in nearly two years. Davis Webb has apparently been a bit dinged up, but should be full go this Friday. The odds-makers clearly have no clue, since they just went with the old “home team -3” line. If Vegas doesn’t know, what hope do we have?

The Pick: $110 on Cal

Bonus: $110 on “under” 88.5

Colorado (+2/-110) at Stanford (-2/-110): Where was I when Mork landed from Ork (as God is my witness, I had no idea he landed in Boulder when I first wrote this) and started posting gambling odds? If it were August 31, 2016, could you imagine any scenario in which Colorado was less than a field goal underdog on the Farm? Having seen what we’ve seen, how on Earth (or Ork for that matter) is Stanford favored to beat Colorado? I’ve been fading Colorado all year. It’s time to admit they’re a damn good team.

The Pick: $110 on Colorado

Utah (+7/-110) at UCLA (-7/-110): Finally got a line today. So let me get this straight, Rosen is a game-time decision, and UCLA is giving a touchdown to the leader of the South? I mean, I know Utah’s quarterback is horribad, and they have tons of injuries, but...huh? This is a total sucker line. P.T. Barnum, meet the Gamble-Tron.

The Pick: $110 on Utah

Oregon State (+36.5/-105) at Washington (-36.5/-115): Washington minus anything until proven otherwise.

The Pick: $230 on Washington

Oklahoma State (-23.5/-110) at Kansas (+23.5/-110): Thought long and hard about going against Kansas again last week, but wussed out. So of course Baylor beat them badly. I’m back on the bus this week. The Pokes are coming off a bye and should be ready to go.

The Pick: $330 on Mike Gundy and his mullet.

Purdue (+24/-110) at Nebraska (-24/-110): The only thing in Purdue’s favor here is the dead cat bounce they may get from the new interim coach. But they’re going to Lincoln, and they’re still really really really bad.

The Pick: $220 on Herbie Husker

WSU (-7/-115) at ASU (+7/-105): 38-14. 47-14. 31-0. 42-0. 46-7. 52-31. What are those numbers? You damn well know they’re the scores of every WSU game in Tempe since they won there in 2001. That’s an average of 43-11. So.../sees this week’s line. /double take. /triple take. /septuple take.

Not only are the Cougs giving a touchdown, there’s even more juice required to take them!!!!! I mean, I know the Cougs have been getting the better of the odds-makers for the last year-and-a-half, but damn, do they have any idea what happens when WSU visits ASU? Not only that, ASU is a different team at home under Todd Graham. This year, they’ve beaten the likes of Texas Tech and UCLA in Tempe. On the road, they barely escaped San Antonio, got bludgeoned at USC and weren’t competitive in Boulder.

So...what to do. A pick for WSU is a pick against history. A pick for ASU is the heady pick. A pick for WSU is a pick from the heart. You know what? BOOBIE is here, there’s nothing I fear. My heart will go on.

The Pick: $115 on WSU