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Apple Cup 2016: It’s Husky joke time

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All year, we tell you to refrain from Doogs, Mutts, bringing up Bob Bender’s employment. This is your yearly relief. It’s time to tell some Husky jokes.

Virginia Tech v Ohio State Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

I do this piece every year and every single time, I promise myself I’ll lead with something different. Be more creative, Michael, I say. You’re an artist ... kinda.

Yet, like Venoy Overton to the back of a police cruiser, I’m drawn to it.

/checks YouTube /”Gold and Purple” is now a private video

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY? WHY DO YOU DEPRIVE ME OF THE JOY OF EVERY STEREOTYPE ABOUT UW FANS BEING FULFILLED?

Damnit. There’s no other great way to lead this off at all. There’s literally no other video that exists that is equally as embarrassing or stupid or completely and utt —-

Okay, now I feel better. But why are comments disabled for the video, UW Athletics? I only have lovely things to say about Matthew Bryan-Amaning’s dance moves.*

*I don’t.

The best thing during our annual rivalry week though to has to be everyone’s favorite UW fans: Jack Huskies. Now, having t-shirt fans isn’t a bad thing. In fact, for your athletic department, it’s financially lucrative. The problem is these fans are usually the most vocal and virulent (that’s an adjective Jack Huskies, meaning “bitterly hostile”) among Husky-dom. They have no problem calling out your WSU education when they lack any advanced degree of their own. Oh, not to worry though, their uncle’s third wife’s son-in-law went to UW so they have a very strong link to it.

No matter their level of attachment to UW though, can someone please inform me why y’all have so much trouble with the letter G?

The good news for UW fans is your team is good. Very good in fact! Since we were getting right to the end of the life-giving elixir that was your shared (special emphasis on SHARED) national championship just before the Gulf War, you needed something else to talk about until I’m nearing retirement age. I’ll give it to you though because when Chris Petersen and his teeth that are so white it’s suspicious leave for Texas this offseason, you’ll need something to comfort you.

Your institution? Just top notch. When the going got tough, what did you do? Dumped on in-state kids! WSU wants to open their own medical school in Spokane? Why, you did everything you could to stop it. Great job, guys!

But perhaps my most favorite thing? Having the brass ones to ask for taxpayer money on a quarter-billion dollar stadium renovation. A stadium that hosts seven events per year.

Seven.

Oh, UW. Your arrogance will never cease to amaze me. It’s not even well earned! That’s my favorite part.

I’ll let our readers tell the rest of the jokes in the comments but I have just one final tidbit that I’d love to impart. Lean in close. Niiiiiice and close. Are you listening? Good.

STOP BARKING IN PUBLIC, IT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE HEARD IN COLLEGE SPORTS AND OHIO STATE FANS NEED TWO PEOPLE JUST TO SPELL OHIO AND ONE LETTER REPEATS ITSELF.

(Note: Please do stay away from Amanda Knox and Ted Bundy in the comments.)