Pac-12 Football Odds and Picks: The Gamble-Tron, Rivalry Week edition

Once more unto the breach, dear Cougs, once more;
Or close the wall up with our Pullman dead.
In practice there’s nothing so becomes a man
As light walkthroughs in helmets only:
But when the blast of purple blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the cougar;
Tape up the ankles, summon up the eye black,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the face mask
Like Minshew’s cannon; let his arm o’erwhelm them
As fearfully as doth a galled pigskin
O’erhang and jutty his confounded Browning,
Swill’d with the wild and wasteful field turf.
Now set the edge and stretch nine route wide,
Hold hard the ball and tackle every ball carrier
To his flat back. On, on, you noblest Cougars.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of Pac-12-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Lone Star Dietz’s,
Have in these parts from morn till whistle fought
And sheathed Ol’ Crimson for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your teammates; now attest
That those whom you call’d coaches did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser crimson,
And teach them how to tackle. And you, good lineman,
Whose weights were lifted in winter, show us here
The mettle of your blitz pickup; let us swear
That you are worth your scholarship; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble Rose Bowls in your eyes.
I see you stand like Cougars in a cage,
Straining upon the start. Kickoff’s afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry ‘Victory for Chun, Schulz, and Saint Elson!’

Why I’m a genius: Another great week in the Pac-12! My intuition was to take Arizona, but I just couldn’t buy in to the Wildcats. That would have been one of the uglier losses I’ve ever suffered, in terms of the final margin. Things weren’t looking great when Washington, apparently thinking they were playing in the Apple Cup, got out to a 28-3 lead. But then things equalized a good bit, and OSU covered with ease.

Got kinda lucky with the ASU cover, since they weren’t close for much of the game. Then again, ASU was a blade of fake grass away from tying the game. Luckily #Pac12refs were there to not review one of the closest calls of the season. Unreal. I saw a Mike MacIntyre quote last week, in which he said that buffalo are the only animals that walk into a snowstorm. Saturday morning, Colorado announced that Ralphie wasn’t going to run, due to...snow. Talk about your all-time backfires. The outcome was pretty much decided right then and there, as was the Under.

Why I’m an idiot: I thought USC would set aside the undisciplined phony act for a week, seeing as how they were facing the crosstown rival. Nope. Fortunately, that was my only conference loss of the week! Unfortunately, there were those other disasters toward the end. Look, Aggies, I still love you guys, but you damn near lost to a terrible team. I know it was snowing, but who cares? I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

The other two...yikes. Oklahoma, you did fine on offense, scoring 55. But giving up 40 to Kansas? AYFKM? Are you not allowed to play defense anymore? That new defensive coordinator is working wonders in Norman. I had no idea how not-good Troy is. They’re supposed to be one of the better G6 teams out there, while Texas State is so bad that they just canned their coach. And Troy was at home. So of course didn’t score a touchdown.

As for the Twitter picks, they were yet another mixed bag. As you’ll see below, it was a ghastly start, but luckily we rallied. The rally should have been more pronounced but we forgot to give out Hawaii -6.5, which would have been another winner, albeit in miraculous fashion. The worst thing in the sports world is when you bet on a team you strongly dislike, such as, say Ohio State, and then proceed to root against them. So of course they won (thanks, Maryland QB), but didn’t cover. Fun all around.

Last Week: 9-8 / -$200

Season Total: 91-78-6

Cash Balance: $10,410

Reader Results:

• Stewak: 6-0 / $600
• Keith_Clark_: 3-2 / $80
• .:R: 5-0 / $500
• BothwaysUphill: 3-3 / -$30
• CougarCottage: 2-0 / $1,000

Washington (+3/-110) at WSU (-3/-110): Seen this movie too many times.

Unlike most years, many of you are probably are feeling like Charlie Brown post-50 seconds this time around. I remain firmly in the first 45 seconds, and will be there until the end of my natural life.

The Pick: $5,000 on the Washington Money Line (+120)

Oregon (-15.5/-110) at OSU (+15.5/-110): It remains to be seen whether Oregon is competent enough to play two consecutive not-terrible halves of football. It also remains to be seen if OSU can put together two consecutive not-terrible series of football. This opened at 14.5 and took less than a minute to get to 17 in some places. Because of that, we’re happy to snag this at under 16.

The Pick: $110 on the Ducks and $110 Over 69

BYU (+13.5/-110) at Utah (-13.5/-110): Holy War! A week after playing its manufactured rival, Utah faces the team it hates like no other. I don’t think the Utes will look past this one, even thought they could be forgiven for doing so. Even still, while Utah has won seven straight, only one of those games has been decided by more than seven points.

The Pick: $110 on the phony Go Cougs

Colorado (+12.5/-110) at Cal (-12.5/-110): I don’t know if they’re even going to play this game, but it is supposed to rain on Thanksgiving, so hopefully that tamps down the fire and smoke. I was all set to take the Bears, but 12.5 feels like a ton of points for a team that has such an inert offense. The hope here is that the Buffs play loose and leave it all out there.

The Pick: $110 on Colorado

Stanford (-6/-110) at UCLA (+6/-110): Stanford got an unexpected bye week, while UCLA played, and won, its biggest game of the year. It would only be natural for the Bruins to spend the entire week patting themselves on the back, even though it was just their third win this season. I have no idea how bad JJ Arcega-Whiteside was injured, but I assume he’ll play.

The Pick: $110 on Stanford

Notre Dame (-10.5/-110) at USC (+10.5/-110): Notre Dame is looking to clinch a spot in the College Football Playoff. The USC Trojans are looking to clinch a spot in /checks notes, the Vegas Bowl? Yeah, those front-running frauds quit weeks ago, and their fake tough guy acy ain’t gonna play this weekend.

The Pick: $220 on the Irish

ASU (-2/-110) at Arizona (+2/-110): Who on earth could even think about taking the Wildcats after what we saw last week? That team didn’t belong on the same field as East Dillon High School. Then again, the Sun Devils are coming off a gut-wrenching loss in Eugene, and now have to get back up for another road game. As tough as that might be, I just can’t trust a Kevin Sumlin-coached team to be anywhere nearly as prepared as Herm’s guys.

The Pick: $220 on Herm’s Helmets

Auburn (+24.5/-110) at Alabama (-24.5/-110): I hate Auburn for ruining my Liberty bet. Roll damn Tide. Emotional gambling is always the right move, yes?

The Pick: $330 on Alabama

More Twitter picks to come because I are not smart.