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COUGS ARE BOWLING. IT’S WEIRD. IT’S ALSO WONDERFUL.

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Oregon State v Washington State Photo by William Mancebo/Getty Images

Look.

This was probably the 8th dumbest game in the history of college football and the 4th dumbest game of this WSU season. I’m assuming that whoever wrote the UCLA recap (probably Jeff?) had the whole easy-never-a-doubt-win recap written and then had to look deep within his soul to figure out how to explain to you all the Cougs lost.

But this time, WE WON THIS DAMN THING. I am re-writing the hell out of this and if there is a hint of negativity in these next thousand words, please understand I am just trying to get to my next glass! Anthony Gordon is your NEW CONFERENCE PASSING OVERLORD for BOTH TOUCHDOWNS AND YARDS and your Washington State Cougars are heading for their FIFTH CONSECUTIVE BOWL GAME on the heels of the craziest finish you’ve seen since the last one! I also had the right amount of bourbons when this thing was done the first time and the wrong amount of bourbons when this hilarious re-write was required

Tonight was Senior Night, which included the entire team running out to greet the Hilinski family which made me cry as much as you would think it would.

The Beaver defense got things going early with a sack on the first play of the game and even though Gordon was able to safety valve his way down the field with Brandon Arconado and Max Borghi, he threw a pick to linebacker John McCartan near the goal line trying to find Renard Bell in the endzone.

Oregon State took over on their own goal line and took two plays before a hole the size of a Mack Truck opened for Artavis Pierce and found himself at midfield. Two plays later Jermar Jefferson ran the remaining 54 yards to get the game’s first score.

The Cougs took back over and moved the ball halfway down the field and turned the ball over twice in as many drives after Travell Harris fumbled when officials decided tackling by the facemask is legal now. But the Beavs were unable to capitalize on their fortune with some bad luck of their own as arguably the best receiver in the conference Isaiah Hodgins dropped a 4th down ball that hit him in the hands.

WSU took over and probably should have their third turnover in as many drives when Gordon threw a deep ball that bounced off Shawn Wilson’s stomach, but eight plays and 68 yards later, the Cougs tied the game at seven on a 12-yard cross from Gordon to Dezmon Patmon.

The Beavs ran the exact same play that Hodgins dropped twice more to get twenty yards down field and then committed their first turnover of the game as a Justus Rogers hit on Jacob Luton allowed Bryce Beekman to get under the ball and get it back for the Cougs.

Yo, so the 300 words or so above this...that? That was just the first quarter of this dumb game!

The first play of the second quarter brought more injuries when Arconado laid out for a ball and the crowd watched his forearm fold in half. Blake Mazza would miss his first field goal of the season, from 48 yards, a play later.

Three plays later, Luton tossed a 46 yarder to a embarrassingly wide open Champ Flemings to take the 14-7 lead. Gordon methodically led the Cougs back down the field to find Renard Bell in the endzone to tie it back at 14.

After a Beav punt caused by arguably the prettiest open-field tackle I’ve ever seen from George Hicks III, Gordon was able to find Deon McIntosh on a shovel pass for the 33 yarder and the lead. A healthy dose of Pierce and Jefferson marched Oregon State directly back downfield and Luton found Noah Togiai in the endzone to tie the game at 21.

(Back to this Hicks tackle.) Theyre going to write sonnets about this thing in 200 years. Perhaps even ballads. Just someone please find video of it so we know it exists.

WSU had a chance to take a lead before the half but an inexplicable decision from Gordon to try and throw over a 6’4” cornerback led to an interception and the Beavs were able to close out the half with Everett Hayes first ever made field goal and a three point lead entering halftime.

After each team traded punts, an hilarious unfortunate drop by Tyjon Lindsey gave the ball back to the Cougs on downs and Anthony Gordon drove the length of the field and TIED THE DAMN CONFERENCE TOUCHDOWN RECORD on a 36-yard throw to Calvin Jackson Jr to take the lead back 28-24. Another punt gave WSU the ball back again and ANTHONY GORDON IS YOUR NEW CONFERENCE TOUCHDOWN OVERLORD ON A TWELVE YARD ROUTE TO BELL. ALL HAIL ANTHONY GORDON.

Oregon State brought it back to 35-32 on this hilarious pass where Luton threw it into four defenders and somehow this Aristocrats defense allowed the one guy in a white cream jersey to both catch it and backpedal into the endzone.

But as football goes, the Cougs then got the ball back and ANTHONY GORDON ALSO BECOMES THE CONFERENCE YARDAGE OVERLORD WITH HIS 4,780TH YARD AND THE COUGS GET BACK UP TWO POSSESSIONS ON A MAX BORGHI RUN, 42-32.

The Beavs answered decisively by two ridiculously brilliant wow-you-should-really-look-those-up consecutive catches by Hodgins and Lindsey. I know I should be rooting against these things, but wow those were beautiful.

Sure, fine, we get the ball back. Except an onside kick somehow caught the Cougs off guard and OSU took over in WSU territory and eventually scored on an embarrassingly wide open Jefferson after Woods gave up.

Sure, fine, we get the ball back. Except Anthony Gordon’s pass bounces off Patmon’s numbers and into the hands of Omar Speights and the Beavs never looked back.

It’s right around this time where the amount of this author’s bourbon really kicked in and I swear the Cougs allowed 29 GODDAMN POINTS IN THE FOURTH QUARTER, so we’re going to pretend this didn’t happen and this game is still going on.

But it didn’t matter! The Cougs scored again! And then got a stop! And Max Borghi showed everyone on the planet you need to give the ball to Marshawn at the end of the game and I’m mixing up leagues and it doesn’t matter because the Cougs won and we’re going bowling!

Next up, the Cougs are playing against some mythical unnamed creature that will likely drop them to 6-6, but who the hell cares, THROW YOUR PANTS OFF AND GET WEIRD COUGS ARE BOWLING.

ROOT FOR OUR DAMN SOCCER TEAM TOMORROW.

GO COUGS.