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A Thanksgiving roast for the Apple Cup

Just some light reading for your palate’s pleasure.

Washington v Washington State Photo by William Mancebo/Getty Images

I have been training for the following article my whole life. In the spirit of the holiday, I will roast the Washington Huskies about as hard as our overcooked turkey. This year, the joke is on UW. Let’s get it.

First, you spell the word “dog” wrong. I don’t care to be corrected about this, I don’t need it explained to me. I will mute all of you illiterate ‘dawgs’ on Twitter.

Next: purple and yellow, while allegedly “complementary”, actually makes me want to throw up- it is the worst color combination, and you can’t tell me otherwise. Maybe I feel that way because I was raised correctly. I can see why people “bow down”- it’s simply to avoid looking at those colors.

I have never met a Husky with good manners. They drool everywhere and are super loud and imposing. However, the dogs are remarkably well-behaved.

Jacob Eason’s last name looks like it couldn’t decide what to sound like. This makes sense, as he also can’t decide where to throw the ball.

We have a better Biology program than you and no one talks about that enough.

We have the same record as you guys and we’re technically tied in Pac 12 North standings. Now, we were supposed to have a crap-hole season, y’all weren’t. Hmm.

The University of Washington is just a place for all the kids who laughed at me in high school for not having Apple Music. Jokes on you fools, Spotify is the better deal.

I’m as tall as Salvon Ahmed, which means I am equally, if not more so, qualified to do his job. I would definitely average more than 5.5 yards per rush. Alexa, play Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer.

Richard Newton, your last name is more recognizable for Isaac Newton, and while today we’re playing for a different Apple, you’ll still fall harder than gravity. Also, how does it feel to be worse than Fig Newtons? We all know those were what your grandma put out when she ran out of Werther’s Original Caramel Candies.

Myles Bryant, you played better in 2018. In my opinion. But I’m always right.

Cameron Williams has the most interceptions on the team with 3 total. However, this is probably the first time anyone has heard his name. Kid hasn’t done much else.

Here’s some jokes about Chris Petersen.

1: You look like a Senator in a Hallmark movie. I would absolutely assume your character launders the local charity’s money.

2: I simply could not get through reading your bio. Whoever wrote it (I’m guessing you did) is so sweet on you that I got a cavity. I’ll be sending you the dentist bill.

3: The only bowl game you’ve won at UW was the 2015 Heart of Dallas Bowl. And sure, you made it to the Rose Bowl last year, but how’d that go?

Now Cougs, let’s sit by the fire and try to get our pulse within the 60-100 range, which is ideal for adults. I know this because again, we have the superior Biology department. Rivalries are all fun and games, but I would like to take this moment to wish all of you- Cougs and Huskies alike, a very happy and relaxing holiday. This has been a crazy whirlwind of a season, and while I’ll be sad and a little glad to see it go, I feel comfort in knowing we got through it together.

Also- we’re going bowling!!! WOOHOO!!!

How about some links:

‘Elite’ Cougs look to keep on dancing
Seven of the eight teams remaining in the NCAA women’s soccer tournament are top- or second-seeded powerhouses.

Apple Cup preview: QBs Anthony Gordon, Jacob Eason grab the attention
In Friday's Apple Cup, the spotlight will be on UW's NFL Draft prospect Jacob Eason and his QB counterpart from WSU, the record-setting Anthony Gordon.

No. 2 Baylor handles Wazzu at Paradise Jam | Sports |
ST. THOMAS, U.S. Virgin Islands — NaLyssa Smith scored 18 points as No. 2 Baylor pulled ahead early and cruised past Washington State’s women’s basketball team 89-66 on Thursday

Washington State mailbag: Final thoughts on Jimmy Lake
Between preparing your Thanksgiving feasts and calming your Apple Cup nerve – both time-consuming activities this week every year – a handful of you still took the time to tweet in, or E-mail in, questions for our final regular season edition of the Washington State mailbag. For that, I’m thankful.

Area roundup: No. 2 Baylor turns back Washington State | The Spokesman-Review
Bears put the first blemish on Washington State’s résumé with an 89-66 victory in the Paradise Jam women’s basketball tournament in St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, on Thursday.

Washington State soccer faces defensive-minded South Carolina in Elite Eight | The Spokesman-Review
Washington State women’s soccer coach Todd Shulenberger’s message was clear leading up to the Cougars’ NCAA Tournament quarterfinal matchup against South Carolina.