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WSU football: Which Cheez-It are they?

Football positions as Cheez-Its, a hot taek.

NCAA Football: Stanford at Washington State James Snook-USA TODAY Sports

Good morning Coug fans! You may have heard that our Washington State Cougars are headed to Phoenix, Arizona, to compete against Air Force for the title of biggest cheese. I mean, the winner of the Cheez-It Bowl. For that reason, I wanted to celebrate!

Have you ever wondered which Cheez-It represents your favorite football position? Wonder no more, friend.

Quarterback: Original. Usually if anyone who doesn’t know much about football tries to reference football, they reference the QB. Also, the QB has to be reliable and can shape the rest of the play. For this reason, the QB is the Original. You can’t go wrong with it!

Offensive Line & Defensive Tackle: Cheez-It Big cracker. I’m combining them because they both fit the essence of this particular kind of Cheez-It. They both have to be big, and get the job done. If that isn’t exactly what a Big Cheez-It does, then I don’t know anything anymore.

Running back: Pepper Jack. These guys, they gotta be a little zesty. It’s not easy to run between a bunch of guys who are actively trying to make you a pancake. The description of Pepper Jack Cheez-Its on their website says they are “not for the mild-mannered”. I think that sums up a running back quite well. Also, it rhymes.

Kicker: Reduced Fat. The kicker can afford to be a little bit smaller, and he really has to get the job done. That radiates the Reduced Fat Cheez-It to me. That cracker is what you reach for after a big holiday meal, it’ll still hit the spot- it’s just a little less.

Linebacker: Italian Four Cheese. I say this because Linebackers have a couple key jobs: tackle offensive players, rush the QB and the receivers, and cause turnovers — sometimes they even get interceptions! Ours usually don’t, but they could in theory! For this reason I have given them the Four Cheese. On the website, it says Cheez-Its have “flawlessly combined” all of the various cheeses, and while nothing about our defense is flawlessly combined, we can get there! I hope.

Safety: Cheddar Jack. Again this is a defensive position that has a couple jobs, they have to assist in pass coverage and tackle. Cheddar Jack combines two classic cheeses, and it really hits the spot. To me, that is a Safety.

Cornerback: Extra Toasty. This one might be a stretch, but hear me out. Cornerbacks are kinda edgy. It’s their job to disrupt the ball. The vibe of an Extra Toasty Cheez-It? A little risky. You have to admit, it’s not something you’d expect and you feel really cool when you eat it. That reminds me of a cornerback.

Center: White Cheddar. A fan favorite, does the job, can be good for a couple different things. I am explaining both a White Cheddar Cheez-It and also a good Center. Plus it’s something that honestly would not have occurred to me to need, but once I’ve received one there is no going back.

Punter: Cheese Pizza. This particular cracker just makes me feel like it’s got something up its sleeve, you know? And that’s what Punters do. Also, during a really good game, you might not need a punter! And I feel like the Cheese Pizza Cheez-It is not something I need, ever really. But I’ll seize the opportunity if I’m presented with one.

There are obviously many more positions, and also more types of Cheez-Its. These were just the ones that stuck out to me, personally. And really, there’s only one Cheez-It I’m really in the mood for. See you in Phoenix!

Time for links:

WSU's dynamic duo: Anthony Gordon and Max Borghi
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