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Washington State Cougars vs. Air Force Falcons: Tale of the Tape

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Who measures up the best?

NCAA Football: Cheez-It Bowl-Texas Christian vs California Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Hilsener fra Københaven. More on why we’re here in a bit. In case you were unawares, your Washington State Cougars will take on the Air Force Falcons in a bowl game, a couple days after Christmas. This is the first meeting ever between the two schools, which means we don’t have a lot of historical data to mine when trying to discern an edge in this matchup. Not that it would have much of an impact on the next game anyway.

So what to do? Well, as Nick Bakay once said, we have to break things down scientifically. But seriously, he used to do “tale of the tape” for ESPN and it was pretty dang funny. What you’ll read below isn’t really funny, but then again you’re used to this writer being completely humorless. Anyway, let’s see who has the edge in the categories where in really matters.

Mascot - Cougar vs. Falcon

  • In the blue corner: One of the greatest hunters of the skies.
  • In the crimson corner: Possibly terra firma’s greatest hunter. Is a cougar quick and stealthy enough to take down a falcon? Is a falcon strong enough to dig its talons into a cougar and carry it away? Let’s go to the video tape.

Advantage: WSU (yes I know it says hawk but until you show concrete DNA results it’s a damn falcon, ok?)

Town - Colorado Springs vs. Pullman

  • In the blue corner: Spectacular mountain views, outstanding craft beer, a decent airport and proximity to a major city.
  • In the crimson corner: Um, uh, Sella’s and Black Cypress?

Advantage: USAFA

Distinguished non-athlete alumni

  • In the blue corner: Dozens of astronauts, a Congressional Medal of Honor Winner (Lance P. Sijan), Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, lots of 4-Star Generals you don’t care about.
  • In the crimson corner: Keith Jackson, Edward R. Murrow, Gary Larsen, one astronaut (John Fabian, Class of ‘62).

Advantage: Push

Distinguished athletic alumni

  • In the blue corner: Gregg Popovich, Bryce Fisher, Dee Dowis (look him up, he was awesome), Chad Hennings.
  • In the crimson corner: Mel Hein, John Olerud, Klay Thompson, Drew Bledsoe, Reid Forrest

Advantage: Cougs in a runaway

Best Bowl Win

  • In the blue corner: A 23-11 defeat of the Ohio State Buckeyes in the 1990 Liberty Bowl, with a 43-25 boatracing of the Washington Huskies in the 1998 Oahu Bowl coming in second.
  • In the crimson corner: Gotta be the 14-0 shutout of the mighty Brown Bears in the 1916 Rose Bowl, followed by the 28-20 win over the Texas Longhorns in the 2003 Holiday Bowl.

Advantage: WSU

Tuition

  • In the blue corner: Free!
  • In the crimson corner: Definitely not free!

Advantage: USAFA

So there you have it. When we get to the next-level analysis, the Cougars defeat the Fighting Falcons by a resounding margin of 3-2-1. Looks like we know who will take home the biggest box of crackers a couple days after Christmas.

Football

All-Decommit Team: 10 notable Washington State pledges who flipped on the Cougars before Signing Day | The Spokesman-Review
Fans and coaches in Pullman are accustomed to the peaks and valleys of recruiting. The Cougars could fill an entire depth chart with recruits who were headed to the Palouse before calling an audible.

College Football Bowl Games: Ranking All 39. How Good Is Your Bowl?
Let’s set the bar high or this – the Air Force running game vs. the Washington State passing attack.

Ranking the 2019 college football bowl games, 39-1: Fiesta Bowl rematch, intriguing Sun Bowl - CBSSports.com
And it's all happening in the Cheez-It Bowl, which was the runaway winner for our No. 1 bowl game last season. Will it defend its title?

This Week in Parenting

Strap in.

So we came to Copenhagen on Friday evening, and we’ve been bumming around the city. As we were checking out the shopping district on Saturday afternoon, the eight year-old began having intestinal issues. First, we were able to access a free restroom. He entered the stall and I waited in the common area. The stalls all had some small opaque windows, so I could kind of see the upper portion of the stall. That came in handy, because what I saw next was his coat flying up and down repeatedly. He couldn’t reach the hook, so he decided to just start throwing his coat at the hook in hopes that it would catch. In a public bathroom.

Later on, he had to go again while we were still out. Big city Europe being big city Europe, the options were, uh, limited. After striking out twice, we found a place off the main drag. The sign in the door said “Bathroom is for paying customers only.” No problem, I thought, I’ll just buy something and the kiddo can use the facilities. If you’ve ever been in this situation as a parent, and if you’re like me, you’re prepared to tell the person behind the counter to just run the credit card. $100 bucks for a bottle of water is fine when compared to a kid with pants full of s**t.

So we go in, and I tell the lady who greets us that I’ll buy whatever I need to buy for my kid to use the toilet. “This is a restaurant,” she says, “you have to get something to eat or drink.” I said that’s fine, and ordered a beer. She then goes on to tell me how so many people with kids come in and want to use the bathroom and she isn’t running a public bathroom yadda yadda yadda. I tell her that I completely understand, and that I don’t really have a choice.

So the kid goes downstairs to use the bathroom, and I follow him down with my beer. I stand near an unoccupied table in the corner, as far away from anyone else as possible. The kiddo was in there for a while, long enough that dragon lady came downstairs and asked if I’d checked on him. “I think he’s ok,” I said. So then she comes back with, “Please make sure you check the bathroom after he’s done.” Yes, because he was probably in there rubbing shit on the walls and mainlining some of Denmark’s finest heroin.

Anyway, she lays in again with how she’s running a private restaurant and people can’t just come in off the street and use the bathroom. Oh, and during all this time, there were precisely ZERO people waiting to use the toilet. I replied that I’m an adult and I know how this works. As I was about 99% of the way toward a venom-filled tirade, the kid emerged from the bathroom, without his coat. I asked him where his coat was and followed him back in to get it. Before we could get in there, dragon lady had sprinted in to make sure everything was still in order. You won’t believe this but the walls were excrement-free the young lad had managed to hide all of the used needles.

She quickly exited the area, and we headed for the door. Now look, I get it. If you run a business, you don’t want a bunch of riff raff wandering in off the street to soil your restroom. I’ve got no issue with that. And anyone who has seen me in public with my boys would tell you that I am among the most hyper-aware parents around. I am constantly pulling them out of the way of other people, insisting that they take every possible measure to not inconvenience those around us.

But here’s the thing, I played by the rules. I paid for a menu item and waited quietly while my son used the toilet, and not one - NOT ONE - restaurant customer suffered an inconvenience. But for some reason, this lady just had to let me know what a nuisance my son and I were. tl;dr I almost wish my kid had taken a shit on the floor, and eff you, restaurant person.

Beer

Best beer I had this week: So why are we in Copenhagen? Well, therein lies a (not at all interesting) story. Back in May, I saw that Evil Twin was going to release 12 special 750ml collaboration beers for Christmas, for sale only in New York. About a month later, they put out a post on Instatube that they were going to open the orders up for pickup in Copenhagen as well. I leapt at the chance and bought a set. Now all I needed to do was figure out a reason to take the family to Denmark within the 15 Dec-31 Jan pickup window!

Anyone who has been to Europe around this time of year is aware that the (largely overrated) Christmas markets throughout the continent are quite the attraction, so Mrs. Kendall was in. The beers were to be ready for pickup today (Sunday) at 3pm in a local bar. We made a post-aquarium walk through cold, rain and wind to get there. As soon as I walked in, the bartender said they didn’t have the beer yet. That’s fine. I mean, I ONLY FLEW MY FAMILY UP FROM GERMANY TO GET THESE BEERS NO BIG DEAL THAT THEY’RE NOT HERE.

Luckily, his voice carried far enough to let me know that should be here Monday, and we don’t leave Til Tuesday. So anyway the Wander Beyond Gulp was the best of a large group of contenders this week.

The 50 Best Beers of 2019 | VinePair
We drank a lot of beer in 2019. Here are our favorite 50 beers that we tried from all over the world, from goses to IPAs to sours.

Non-Sports

The Viral Photo of Mount Everest: The Untold Accounts of the People Who Were There | GQ
It was one of the most arresting viral photos of the year: a horde of climbers clogged atop Mount Everest. But it only begins to capture the deadly realities of what transpired that day at 29,000 feet.