Welcome, once again, to the most wonderful time of the year. And yes, that includes Christmas. Well ok, maybe the Christmas season is still the best for mere mortals, but for this degenerate, there’s nothing better than slapping the cobwebs off the old Gamble-Tron and firing her up for another fall. The casino boards are filled with college football gambling possibilities, and we are finally at peace.
This space will likely be a truncated version version of what you’ve come to know and loathe, because the moron who pens this thing every week decided to enroll in another Master’s Program, and is taking two classes this semester. That’s about as smart as laying points on team crimson in the Apple Cup.
So anyway, the plan for this season is to shorten the genius/idiot portion (which means the genius part will likely go away entirely), and we’re going picks only (no dollar value). When one sucks at math, removing the math speeds things up. Besides, we made ourselves a nice chunk of change last season, and it would only be a matter of time before that dwindled away entirely.
That said, let’s take a quick look at last season’s results, and then get on with it. Like Bill Belichick and Cincinnati, we’re on to 2019.
Last Season (Regular Season and Bowls): 128-102-6 (56%!!! If you kinda round up!)
Final Cash Balance: $18,980
Lots of games on the slate this week, starting with a couple fun matchups Thursday night.
UCLA Bruins (+2.5) at Cincinnati Bearcats: This line opened at Cincy -4.5 and has inched its way under a field goal. Lots of folks seem to love the Bruins, so we’re going the other way. The Bearcats have a shot at the G6’s spot in the Cotton Bowl. Goddamn this is a sucker bet, and here I go.
The Pick: Bearcats
The Pick: BYU
Kent State Golden Flashes at Arizona State Sun Devils (-24.5): The Flashes were positively atrocious last season, while ASU was kinda not as terrible as many thought they’d be. I expect Jayden Daniels to struggle at times this season, but Thursday night shouldn’t be one of those times. If it is, Herm’s Helmets might be in trouble moving forward.
The Pick: ASU
Colorado State Rams vs. Colorado Buffaloes (-12.5): Goddammit, I just can’t take it. Every year I pick CSU because of that photoshop masterpiece, and every year the Buffaloes win easily. That’s all I can stand, and I can’t stand no more!
The Pick: Buffs
Oklahoma State Cowboys at Oregon State Beavers (+13.5): This opened at 16.5 and for reasons unknown has shrunk to a threshold number. I foresee lots of points on both sides, but something tells me that the Beavs won’t be able to muster a counterpunch in the fourth quarter.
The Pick: The ‘Pokes
Northwestern Wildcats at Stanford Cardinal (-6.5): Northwestern makes everything ugly, and that is a compliment. 10 of their 12 regular season games in 2018 were decided by 10 points or less. They’re breaking in a new quarterback, but Stanford is breaking in, well, everything except a new quarterback. I think it’ll be close.
The Pick: Northwestern
Oregon Ducks (+3) vs. Auburn Tigers: True freshman QB taking on senior QB. Should be an easy call, right? Uh, this is still Pac-12 vs. SEC. While the Ducks have a really good offensive line, I don’t think they’ve faced anything like what Auburn will throw at them. Oregon’s injury issues at receiver will also hurt them.
The Picks: Auburn / Under 55.5
New Mexico State Aggies at Washington State Cougars (-31.5): It’s always good to shop around, because this is as high as 33 in some places. The Aggies are real, real bad. The Cougs have a chance to be pretty good. Air Raiding after the summer sunset is always fun, and WSU should be able to name its score.
The Picks: WSU / Over 64.5
Fresno State Bulldogs at USC Trojans (-13.5): Coming off a couple really good years, the Bulldogs return just 38% of their 2018 team production. While the Trojans lost a lot on defense, they’re pretty stocked offensively. Oh man, I don’t want to do this. Please don’t make me do this. Oh for God’s sake, I’m doing this.
The Pick: In Graham we trust, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Fresno wins outright.
Bonus FCS matchup(s):
- James Madison Dukes (+7) at West Virginia Mountaineers
- EWU at Washington Huskies: Over 42 (this opened at 54)
- Purdue Boilermakers at Nevada Wolfpack: Over 58.5
- Florida Atlantic Owls at Ohio State Buckeyes (-16.5) in the first half
- Toledo Rockets at Kentucky Wildcats: Under 62
Fellow degenerates, now is the time to get your picks on the board!