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A Thanksgiving Roast with a side of Apple Cup

I did this in 2019, but I thought I’d bring the bit back!

Washington State v Washington Photo by Steph Chambers/Getty Images

Good morning, Coug fans!

It’s officially Christmas season, if you’re among those who wait until after Thanksgiving to start the festivities. It’s also the last day of the official 40-13 era. Sad!! However, tomorrow, our very own Washington State Cougars have the opportunity to keep the cup against the University of Washington Huskies. I am vaguely nauseous just thinking about it, although that could be the Thanksgiving-hangover. Sorry, mom...

Nonetheless, when I was thinking about what to write today, it didn’t feel right to gloss over Hate Week, especially on the last non-gameday. So I thought in the spirit of all the food we just ate yesterday, some of you might still have some room for a roast! I did this once before, in 2019, and like fine wine- I believe most of my jokes aged quite well. But there’s always room for improvement! Let’s get into it!

(This is all meant to be taken lightheartedly and in the good jolly spirit of friendly competition! Please do not take me seriously!)

Firstly, I wonder how it felt to lose to Arizona State! Can’t relate to that! This apple hangs lower in the tree, so I know it’s a bit more obvious, but they’re 3-8 so far this season, and one of those wins is the Huskies?! Make it make sense.

I googled the UW Head Coach, because I genuinely couldn’t name him before today, and he seems like if a gummy bear and one of those thumb villains from the movie Spy Kids managed to procreate. If you’re unfamiliar with that reference, I’ve attached a clip below. Skip ahead to 1:36 for the weird Thumb guys getting defeated.

Kalen DeBoer has the face of a gummy bear, but the slightly terrifying vibes of the thumb things!! They pose a threat to the kids in the movie, and you’re supposed to be scared (it’s off-putting for sure) but they also kind of make you laugh? This makes perfect sense to me.

The website for UW athletics is, and that seems kind of desperate in my opinion. It takes the daily self affirmations we say to ourselves in the mirror one step further. Oh, you need your website to be a kind remark to your program? Does that make you believe in yourself more, University of Washington? (Does it actually though? Asking for a friend.)

Also, this might just be because I’m in the midwest and Google knows everything, but when you look up “UW Athletics” the top option is Wisconsin! I will do anything to bring up Wisconsin, the clearly superior UW.

University of Washington seems like if they had a tummy ache, it would take them completely out of commission. It would ruin their entire day. They would be incapable of functioning. Whereas we, as Cougs, know how to power through even the toughest battles (stomach pain).

This is a lower blow, but it’s true, their Twitter is just not as good as ours. I know Twitter is a tricky subject right now, but while we have it we just have to note the drastic differences. Is this just a way to reference how great our media team is? Maybe. But it’s true. We have the superior Twitter, and at least for now, that is a very important factor.

There’s also obviously a lot I could do with their quarterback being named Penix but I am opting to choose peace today. Know this is very difficult for me. We are all thinking it though, right?

I bet University of Washington is very bad at Sudoku. If any Huskies come for me with Sudoku receipts, I will retract my statement. But I maintain the fact that I’m probably a better Sudoku player. I think this is an incredibly important point of reference.

Overall, I love friendly rivalries, I love poking fun, and I love the fact that I get to connect with so many people in a lighthearted fashion. I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday, I hope we win the Apple Cup tomorrow, and I hope you, dear reader, got a kick out of my silly little jokes! Go Cougs say it back!!


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