Good morning, Coug fans!
October has officially come to a close, department stores are beginning to usher Christmas in, and all of us are preparing for the next few months of unbuttoning the top button of our jeans, and surrounding ourselves with family and friends. Regardless of what holiday(s) you and your loved ones are preparing to celebrate, we all have one thing in common: discount or leftover Halloween candy. There are some gems, some ones to be eaten after a few beers late at night, and some that should just be tossed in the trash. I am here to equate your favorite (or least favorite) candies with your favorite (or least favorite) schools!
Cal as Butterfingers
The motivation behind this one is just mainly them losing to us 28-9. I am neutral for the most part on Butterfingers as a candy, and there isn’t really anything I can say about Cal’s record this season that wouldn’t be one finger pointing there, three pointing back at me sort of situation. The Cal Bullshit was alls well that ends well, therefor this season they get Butterfingers.
Stanford as York Peppermint Patties
My thing about York Peppermint Patties is they just never get eaten until you’re out of options! What child gets a York and goes “SCORE!!”?! Stanford is at the bottom of the Pac-12 right now, so it only makes sense that I give them (in my opinion) a slightly irrelevant and difficult to trade away candy. I hope they do not take this out on us tomorrow.
Oregon State as Almond Joy
When I texted my dear friend and editor Craig about doing this article, he said- and I quote: “Almond Joy is actually good despite what most people will say. I will not tolerate any Almond Joy slander.” What is more Oregon State than that? I am really outing myself as a Beav sympathizer lately, but it’s true. While Almond Joy is not to my taste, I agree that it’s slept on.
Oregon as Sour Patch Kids
That game was sour, then it was sweet, then it was gone.
USC as Hot Tamales
First of all, they think they’re hot stuff. That’s a given. And secondly, even though this is kind of pathetic, both the school and the candy always end up stinging just a little bit more than I was expecting. I always think to myself “I will enjoy this!” and then I never do. And I can handle spicy food! But the sensation is always unpleasant. Much like playing USC.
UCLA as Tootsie Rolls
Giving Craig another shout out here as he suggested this one, citing “UCLA could be like Tootsie Rolls because their best days were in the 1960s but they are still there prominently every year forcing us to pay attention to them.” I agree with this 100%. I will also add that Tootsie Pops are far superior, and Tootsie Rolls are just kind of difficult to chew, which causes the enjoyment of the candy to plummet.
Utah as Jaw Breakers
This isn’t a popular Halloween candy persay, it’s just what I wanted to do to Utah after the last game. I’m a simple woman.
Colorado as Swedish Fish
I am giving Colorado Swedish Fish for a few reasons. Even though Swedish Fish are objectively good, and Colorado is... yeah... I always find that whenever I eat Swedish Fish, they just get stuck in my teeth. And Colorado just seems stuck this season. And other seasons.
Arizona State as Twizzlers
In my opinion, the weird little two pack of Twizzlers you get is such an imposter syndrome thing. A- stop trying to be Red Vines, and B- what is the point of all that packaging for such a small amount of actual candy? This is very Arizona State.
Arizona as the Worst Option of King Size Chocolate Bar
There’s always that one huge house on top of the hill that is notorious for giving out big candy bars. Everyone gets excited to go there, and once you hike all the way up you’re greeted by... a king size 100 Grand. Or a Mr. Good Bar. It’s disappointing. And you know the McMansion just bought the party pack to show off, but they keep all the good chocolate bars to themselves! I’m upset just thinking about it.
Washington State as the house that hands the parents a beer
There were so many amazing candies floating through my head when I was considering what we would be, but then my dear friend Craig pointed out that something on this earth is better than candy: beer. WSU is handing the kiddo a Kit Kat bar, and passing the parents a Busch Light. This is also the house that, when it’s block party season, has their garage open with a “Kid Kooler” and a “Cool Cooler”- you can define the difference for yourself. We rock.
UW as the cavity you get after the holiday is over
There is nothing sweet about that post-Halloween dentist bill!
There you have it! Just one gal’s opinion. Let me know if you agree or disagree, but remember: no Almond Joy slander allowed! Go Cougs!
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