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Pac-12 North schools as Dudes I’d Swipe Left On

This is satire!!!

COLLEGE BASKETBALL: FEB 10 Arizona State at Washington Photo by Jacob Snow/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Good morning, Coug fans!

I’m back again to honor my friend Craig’s challenge of only writing silly things. Summer is slowly starting up, which means sports are winding down for those of us who enjoy them, rather than play them. However, one thing that runs year-round is my fascination with rivalries- and the schools we love to hate.

I was thinking to myself: Emma, you’re a young gal in the midwest, who is currently deep within a pretty lengthy homesick spell- how can you nod to your roots while also staying relevant to your current life? These are some existential questions all my soon-to-be graduates can look forward to in a post-grad world, so strap in!

After marinating on that for a minute, it came to me. When I was on dating apps in my youth (three years ago, and also two months ago...sorry mom) I would always get lots of questions about being a Pac 12 fan living in Big 10 Country, and those questions gave me this idea. So just laugh about it and don’t take it too seriously. And for the purpose of this article, I will be characterizing the schools and using male pronouns, I don’t mean to offend! Okay, that’s all. It’s a joke. Relax.

Picture this: you’re a girl in her early 20s. It’s brutal. You’ve had about 3/4ths of a bottle of Barefoot Pink Moscato with your friends, it’s a Thursday night, and someone suggests you start swiping on one of the 800 different dating apps available. But instead of possible romantic candidates, you’re faced with the Pac-12 North schools. Here’s how I would suggest you swipe!

Oregon State University
This one is sort of like shooting a fish in a barrel. Literally, fish. Just lots of fish pictures. And if that’s your thing, cool! You’ll hear nothing from me about it. But I like a little more variety. Oregon State has the first three pics on his profile of him in various boats holding up various fish, and the fourth is a blurry photo of him from three years ago holding a newborn baby. His bio says “that’s my niece.” His Spotify is linked, so you’ve gotta give that a glance. You’ll find lots of Morgan Wallen songs, some Dave Matthews Band, and one curveball from the Frozen 2 soundtrack. It’s not that you dislike Oregon State per-say, he’s just not your vibe! And that’s okay! Seems like a perfectly pleasant candidate for someone else. Left!

University of Oregon
He is wearing a beanie in literally every picture. You cannot tell what color his hair is. His bio is written in entirely lowercase letters, and it reads as follows:
22. traveler. lover of nature. 420 friendly. get to know me
You swipe through his pictures to get a better idea of what this guy actually looks like, but it devolves into shots of rain hitting a window, and his back to the camera in some city in... Italy? France? Somewhere clearly European. He’s wearing a really nice watch in all the pictures, and the style he’s going for seems to be “elevated streetwear” which you aren’t sure how to define, but something tells you he’d go on quite the tangent about it.

This guy is just a walking ad for Vineyard Vines. His bio talks about his stock portfolio and the startup he and his buddy are doing- which he follows by writing “but I can’t tell you the specifics, don’t want anyone trying to poach my intellectual property” and a winky face emoji. There are pictures of him hiking, him in several suits, and one of his childhood dog. You figure that he’d take you to some really posh restaurant that he would describe as a “hole in the wall” but the cheapest entrée is $78. He would also ask that you guys split the bill, for “tax purposes”.

His first photo is nice, actually! It’s him standing in front of a building, he’s wearing a Patagonia quarter zip, and he’s got a nice smile. You think to yourself: okay, but where is the red flag? So you look deeper, and down the Cal Bullshit rabbit hole you go. From there, he’s just straight hellfire. He does the thing where they make their profile a PowerPoint on “Why You Should Swipe Right” which could be funny if everything he has written wasn’t extremely weird. He talks about how he exclusively reads the autobiographies of serial killers, and that his perfect birthday gift would be one of John Wayne Gacy’s paintings. You start to think your friends would for sure need your location if you went out with this guy, and it would need to be somewhere public. You tap to the next slide and its qualifications for exactly the kind of person he deems “worthy enough to match with” and you just hit the big old red X immediately. Congrats on not getting murdered!

Green flag upfront: he’s got a pic with Dash Dog. You’re like: oh this guy is good with animals! His next picture is him and The Boys, who he says in his bio are his “non-negotiable package deals”. He is wearing several different backward baseball caps in most of his photos, the rest of which consist of him at the beach, him in Seattle, and one family photo. The rest of his bio is pretty standard, talks about how if you don’t like Drake, he doesn’t like YOU! He seems like the guy who would suggest going on a long drive and just “vibing” for a first date, but at least he wouldn’t ask you for gas money. He would probably ghost you because he’s just “not looking for anything serious rn”.

First of all, I expect everyone to swipe left immediately upon seeing this profile, no further digging needed, but for the sake of the bit I will describe it anyway.
Your first impression is that growing up, he was the guy in his friend group that they all decided to bully a little bit. There’s always one. So he’s jaded from that, which you can tell by his bio being “I need someone who can take a joke. I’m competitive about everything. I only eat chicken Alfredo so don’t judge when that’s all I order out”. He’s studying something really vague, and you can’t tell if he actually knows what he’s talking about. His only photos are of him with other people, except one picture of him as a kid where he’s got like a diaper on his head or something, that’s supposed to be ironic.

Alright, that’s it for the North! Again I am not trying to hurt feelings, but I’m right, right? Part two for Pac 12 South next week unless everyone hates this! Have a good day, go Cougs!


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