Good morning, Coug fans.
In a world full of statements typed out on digital stationary, most of us have been left with more questions than answers. For that reason, I’ve decided to write a script of how I think the meeting with the rest of the schools in what was once the Conference of Champions went, on that fated day. For the sake of the joke, and not actually hurting anyones feelings, I will be calling everyone “Mr. Oregon State” or “Mr. Stanford” because my mom watched a lot of Sex and the City when I was growing up, and it just feels right.
Also- the Pac-12 Commissioner’s character is named Mr. Why Did You Do This, or Mr. WDYDT for short. For the purpose of this script, they are all men- but that’s in the sense closer to the point of the Barbie movie. If you haven’t watched it yet, please do! I firmly believe the Pac-12 would not be falling apart under the careful and brave leadership of Issa Rae. However I understand she has scheduling conflicts that would prevent that reality. Sad.
Without further adieu, may I present my original script:
Lights up on a large oval conference table. Nine executives are seated around it, throwing balls of paper at each other. Each is wearing a tie which color corresponds to the University they are representing, minus Mr. University of Washington, his tie is the shade of poop.
They continue to throw paper balls, and it eventually escalates into a slap fight between Mr. Cal and Mr. Washington State. Mr. Oregon State tenderly sighs.
Suddenly, a door slams open. Mr. Why Did You Do This enters.
Mr. Why Did You Do This
I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you all here today.
Is it because the Conference of Champions is disbanding? Disbanding- verb. To break up, cause to break up, or stop functioning.
Mr. University of Oregon
Yes, Mr. Stanford, that is why! Gold star!
Mr. University of Oregon stands up abruptly.
I knew it! I want the gold star! Gimme gimme!
Mr. Arizona State
Sit down, Duckie.
Mr. UO sits angrily. He doesn’t take orders well.
But! I have excellent news! We can all stay together- IF! You all take a bite of this magic apple.
He pulls out just like the most regular looking apple you’ve ever seen.
Mr. Oregon State
Is it a weed apple? Because if it’s a weed apple, I’m in.
Mr. University of Washington
I have to bite the apple before Mr. Washington State does.
Mr. Washington State
No, I have to bite the apple before Mr. University of Washington does!
It’s MY apple!
It’s neither of yours, technically.
Mr. University of Arizona
I don’t want the apple. I refuse.
If Mr. Arizona isn’t gonna, I don’t want to.
I actually think you should take your apple and shove it up your—
Hey! Be nice to Mr. Why Did You Do This, he worked hard growing that apple! Agriculture is no small feat.
Is it a Cosmic Crisp Apple? Because I own that.
(He rubs his temples)
It’s not a Cosmic Crisp- good lord. Okay. Just eat the apple.
Mr. UO stands abruptly again, he has a habit of making himself the center of attention.
I refuse your apple. I have other fruits, grown and funded by Mr. Phil Knight himself. I don’t just eat any old apple. I wear highlighter yellow! I am so important! I beat Ohio State once! I’m not saying I’m better than all of you, that would be rude. I’m implying it a little due to the authors personal bias, but for the most part I respect a lot of you. It’s what makes this chunk of my monologue so hard: I’m leaving. And even though I hate Mr. University of Washington more than the rest of you, I’m taking him with me.
Come on man, you had to have seen this coming. We do whatever Mr. USC and Mr. UCLA does, just slightly worse.
Don’t say their names!
And once Mr. University of Colorado left, it would be pretty embarrassing if we didn’t. You guys understand, right?
Mr. UW rises slowly to his feet, and circles the table. He stops and stands next to Mr. UO. They gently join hands.
I’m really sorry it has to be this way.
(To Mr. WSU)
We’ll always be rivals. I might be on my way to the Big-10, but rest assured, I will get my ass kicked in just about every sport. And I’ll think about you the whole time.
Yeah, you will.
Mr. University of Oregon and Mr. University of Washington make their way to the door. Mr. University of Oregon pauses, looks over his shoulder, and sighs. The pair exits, still holding hands.
Well, that certainly is a setback, but we can survive if the REST OF YOU still eat the apple!
We have something to tell you.
The Arizonas slowly rise.
Arizona, Arizona State, not you too!!
(Shoots to his feet)
Me too! I’ve sat in the corner of the room this entire time and not one of you have addressed my existence.
Well Utah no one really cares about you...
That is cold and untrue! Arizona, Arizona State, come on- let’s get out of here.
Mr. Utah storms out of the room.
I’ll miss you guys.
The Arizonas exit.
Okay. Well. This is a setback indeed.
At this point, the four remaining executives are Mr. Washington State, Mr. Cal, Mr. Stanford, and Mr. Oregon State. Mr. Cal and Mr. Stanford stare at each other nervously.
You guys- listen to me.
(WSU rises, slowly.)
We are the last of the greats. Those other guys? They’re quitters. They wouldn’t know hard work if it bit ‘em in the butt. We’re no strangers to being overlooked. I don’t know about you, but I will eat that apple. I will choke on that apple, spit it back up after Mr. OSU gives me the heimlich maneuver -
(Aside, to Mr. Oregon State)
Thanks, honey -
(Back to the rest of the room)
And eat it again! Unless I somehow get a better offer that the author of this ridiculous play doesn’t know about during her writing process, and I take that. But in theory if nothing changes from 7:20pm on Wednesday, August 9th when this was written, and 9:00am August 11th when the author puts this on the internet forever, I WILL EAT THAT APPLE. And I hope you join me.
Mr. WSU sinks back into his chair slowly. He has a triumphant look on his face, and he and Mr. OSU grin kindly towards one another.
That’s the spirit, Mr. Washington State! You’ve always been my favorite.
That is blatantly untrue, you’ve repeatedly underestimated me and ignored me. You were in genuine shock when my women’s basketball team won your championship despite being amazing players and literally endorsed by Shania Twain. I’m not doing this for you.
You know what, I walked into that one.
I hate to make this situation more morose- morose! Adjective. Sullen and ill-tempered. Sullen! Also an adjective! Bad-tempered and sulky—
Oh my god, NERD! I hate agreeing with Mr. University of Oregon, but it’s true! Get to your point!
(Rubbing the back of his neck, nervously)
Mr. Cal and I have just gotten word of some rumors swirling. We might be getting poached.
It’s not a done deal, again to the knowledge of the author of this stupid play that’s really getting long at this point, she should consider wrapping it up. I digress—
ALL but Mr. Stanford
STOP DEFINING WORDS.
This whole thing screws us over too. None of us want our student athletes to be put under these conditions. It’s sad that money is clouding what was once so fun and pure. But that’s just the way it is. Mr. Stanford, I think we should leave the room. We’ll sit outside in case you need us, but just in case.
Mr. WSU whips out a carton of eggs and begins pelting Mr. Cal with them.
(Each word is emphasized by an egg thrown directly at Cal)
You. Dirty. Rat. How. Dare. You. Do. This. To. Us.
Hey! Save me an egg!
Here, there’s only two more, you can do the honors!
Mr. OSU grabs the carton and takes aim.
Now, now, gentlemen. That’s enough.
I really liked this suit, you jackass. Where did you even get a carton of eggs? This is a business meeting!!
My business is no longer your concern.
I’d rather not see what other perishables Mr. Washington State has in store for us, Cal- let’s get out of here.
Mr. Cal and Mr. Stanford go and stand in the doorway. The door is ajar.
It was always gonna be the two of us.
Listen, it isn’t all bad!
Suddenly, there’s a large crash. A blinding light floods the room- and several small, green aliens rush on stage.
Take us to your leader.
Oh good. The aliens have arrived.
Hey, can you guys play football?
Alright! There’s my very realistic retelling of exactly what I think happened inside that board meeting! I hope you guys enjoyed it. Go Cougs!